Sources here at Lame Sports have learned that the oft troubled but talented Chris Henry is very close to a deal that would make him the highest paid wide receiver in Ohio Penal System (OPS) history.

Henry’s agent, Marvin Frazier, said it was too soon to spell out details of the impending deal, but that rumors of a trade earlier in the day now appear to be unfounded.

Early Monday morning, ESPN’s Chris Mortenson had indicated that the OPS was interested in a sign-and-trade that would send Henry back to jail, while the Bengals would receive ‘a compensatory pack of smokes and a player to be named later.’

Jack Brennan, a Cincinnati team spokesman said, “We tried a straight-up trade once before with the Penal System. How do you think we got in this God awful mess in the first place? Forgot the guys name, but we send him there thinking we pulled one over on ‘em right, and thirteen players to be named later we’re sitting on an entire roster full of inmates. Should have assumed something when I saw names like Odell and Frostee. They were wearing stripes before they even threw on a Bengals jersey.”

Henry himself had a prepared statement sent to the media via jail stationary.

“It’ll be so good to go home yo. People are all like, wouldn’t you rather make your lettuce in the NFL? And I’m like son, no way no how! I be knocking out license plates at 42 cent an hour. Mike Vick? Rae Carruth? Whatcha got on me?”

Head Coach Marvin Lewis responded by saying, “What? Um. Yea. The hell did he just say?”

The contract is being reported to approach an unprecedented 10-12 years, with an option to opt out after 8 years based on ‘behavioral criteria.’

The 25 year old Henry will join his new teammates after a brief vacation with the Cincinnati Bengals, when it is expected he will report back to jail within a couple of days.

Current Bengals receiver Chad Johnson had this to say, “Dude makes Ocho Cinco look like a peach-o.”

Photo Credit: CBS Sports

© LameSports.net

It didn’t take long for an area get-together of hardcore fantasy football fans to live up to its name. 

The annual Minneapolis Fantasy Football Mock Draft was recently held to prepare locals in Minnesota for the actual fantasy draft on August 28^th.  The participants, who typically take these events quite seriously quickly got into a disagreement, denigrating this year’s event into a mockery.

Skippy Fednik, some local dweeb, said “I don’t know what happened.  I’m sitting there, reading off my pick in the second round, and the guys just go nuts, ya know?  I’m like whoa fellas, where is this coming from?”

Martin Russell, a resident of Minneapolis who has been wasting countless hours of his life on Fantasy Football, had a different take on things.

“Skip’s been doing this for years,” he said.  “Guy always takes some sleeper you’d expect to go in like the 8^th round, he takes him in the 2^nd round.  He just wants to hear everyone oooing and ahhing.  Come on, Brady Quinn?  He doesn’t even start, Skip!”

Tom Blanchet, who’s wife left him three years ago because of his infatuation with cheat sheets, added to the criticism.

“Yea, and don’t forget he tries to go all Chris Berman with everyone’s nicknames in the draft.  First, it’s not original.  Second, Skip sucks at it.  It’s not even funny dude.” 

Russell supported the accusations saying, “Just this year in the first round.  All you have to do is say ‘Marion Barber.’  Nope, he goes with Marion ‘I need to go to the’ Barber.  I swear if I wasn’t saving myself for the local Madden ‘09 Club I would have punched him in the head.

In his defense, Skippy stated “I love Fantasy Football.  The feeling of competition, the smell of a freshly printed cheat sheet, the sweat pouring down one’s face after downing two dozen hot wings in between picks.  There’s nothing quite like it.  I was so psyched for today’s mock draft, that I could just feel the energy.  So when I got dressed, and threw on my special edition, Carrie Fisher autographed underpants, I just said to myself ‘Oh, it’s on!’

In all of the turmoil, one thing was becoming quite clear.  Next year’s annual Minneapolis Fantasy Football Mock Draft, and perhaps even the upcoming Minneapolis Fantasy Football Actual Draft, was in jeopardy.

When asked for comment on her son’s stupidity, Skippy’s mother declined and shut the door on our reporters.  A few second later the door opened again, and Skippy’s father poked his head out, offering his thoughts.

“You want a comment?  You want a comment?  Kid’s a fucking dork!” he said, slamming the door behind him.

Photo Credit: Twin Cities Daily Photo

© Lamesports.net

Lurking in the shadows of the Summer Olympics, Men’s Figure Skating is getting a makeover for the ages. Olympic Athletes are always looking for that next big leap in technology due to the ever constraining, ever more diligent, technologically advanced drug testing policies that seem to take away every record shattering performance and accompanying Gold medal with a “positive” test for either steroids or extra red blood cells.

For some reason sports as a whole has historically turned a blind eye, as athletes dramatically increase their performance with external gear. Most notable recent leaps in techno gadgetry are the Nike Body Cool suite for long distance runners, designed to keep the athlete’s core body temperature down longer, thus allowing the athlete to burn less energy on maintaining body temperature, translating in to more energy allocated for the actual race; while the new suit designed by Speedo for the Olympic swimmers makes water move along the body quicker via less friction from the new exotic material, translating in less drag on the swimmer than their competitor that just got the Brazilian wax.

Though some might be shocked at the new level at which athletes are allowed to enhance their performance, being shocked is nothing new to the ultra competitive world of Men’s Figure Skating. Brian “The Boy Next Door” Davis is pictured below in the “Frost Angle” position, donning an electric collar. The gray box located below his jutting jaw bone is in fact an electric shock device, which works in conjunction with a partner device that is strapped around his genitals. Both shock boxes work in unison as a form of “Stun Gun” psychology… triggered by the coach when the athlete strays from a famine stance to something that maybe considered by the judges as something too manly.

Has technology gone too far? Who regulates these devices? Has anyone tested them to see if in fact they are even humane? Can external enhancement gone unchecked lead to as many negative mental ailments, as drugs can on the physical side?

If anyone doubts the level of control a coach can command of an athlete utilizing devices like the Garmin’s Gayzer 2000, one only has to look at what coach Hank E. Panky did to Davis during the 2004 trials in Munich… making Davis perform fellatio on himself in front of a shocked audience.

It turns out in a wild twist of fate that when the neck collar and the testicle collar are linked within inches of themselves the combined rhythmic pulses of the electric currents trigger two glands in the neck, one of which excretes a “dopamine” type substance, while the other a pheromone. Coupled with the skater’s incredible flexibility and unisex mindset during competition, Davis was left almost no choice but to consume himself for over 30 minutes. Subsequently, Davis not only finished in last place, but later had to be pried away from his own package at an area Hospital, momentarily unaware that he even attended a skating event that day.

Other notable technology advances in Men’s Figure Skating are the Bunny 300 Series and the SOE - TR Cloaker Suit, both of which empower the men to appear meeker to the audience and judges, while at the same time increasing performance via cutting edge technologies… ergo - hidden underneath the innocent bunny is a new composite skate blade that holds its edge 42% longer than a diamond and is more flexible than a trampoline.

As of press time, the SOE - TR Cloaker Suit had not been scientifically proven to enhance any aspect of the athlete’s routine, but has been found hidden in several dressing rooms throughout the Men’s Figure Skating world. One can only speculate that such a body suit is utilized for strength training or obedience schooling… the latter would further secure the coaches’ reigns on their perspective athletes.

 By Rusty Weiss

Brett Favre is continuing a seven year trend this offseason, not divulging to his employers one way or the other as to his status for the upcoming season.  Wisconsin is all abuzz.  Will he come back for another season after last year’s renaissance?  Or is it time to call it a career?  Favre’s off-field indecision has become as much legend as his on-the-field prowess.

That indecisiveness came to a head this morning, as Favre once again paralyzed his team and his teammate’s goals by holding up the line at the Packer breakfast buffet.  Sources indicate that Favre had been weighing his breakfast options for nearly an hour.

Lame Sports reporters flooded the scene seeking comment from the Packer front office brass.

New Packers president Mark Murphy believes Brett Favre will return to the omelette section of the buffet for another look at the Gunslinger Omelette, aptly named for the 38 year old quarterback and his sometimes reckless style of play.

“My guess is that he’s going to come back to the omelettes,” Murphy said in hushed tones. “The cooking staff has gotten a lot better around him and they’re in a position to really do great things this morning.”

“I think he still enjoys omelettes, and he has a passion for it, but it’s not as easy of a decision as some people might think,” Murphy said.

Ryan Grant, the Packers running back, chimed in, “There’s the French Omelette, but Brett’s never really been a French kind of guy.  He just never surrenders man, you know?  No way he waves the white flag and gets the French Omellette.  I just know he’ll fight his way through this and pick the perfect breakfast.”

Linebacker A.J. Hawk added, “Just last week we had Al (Harris) and Charlie (Woodson) defending the buffet line in a dime formation.  Brett just ate them up like a couple of rookie cornerbacks, jukin’ and jivin’ his way, carving through the D like they were butter.  When he turned and fired his bacon slices onto the tray, zip, zip, zip, it was a sight to see.  I tell you brother, Al and Charlie didn’t look like Pro Bowlers that day.”

After a tense 67 minute wait, Favre finally made a decision, indeed going for the Gunslinger Omelette.  As Favre cashed out however, the breakfast omelette slid off his tray, landing cleanly into the arms of a hungry Corey Webster of the New York Giants.

“Damn, I did it again,” Favre said.

© LameSports.net

While Olympic coaches move to gain youth advantage, individual athletes move to gain any advantage that won’t get them disqualified.

International phenomenon, Spain’s Andres Iniesta gets smoked like a cheap fish by Portugal’s newest prodigy, 8 year old Sebastian Hermanties. Later Iniesta was flagged by Olympic authorities for giving himself an illegal wedgie. Iniesta vehemently denied knowing that wedgies are banned from Olympic events.

(Above left - Clemens, caught by Dateline undercover cameras in the local Quickie Mart)

Toting the fine line between “Training” and on the field play, Rodger Clemens argues his case before Congress that his steroid injections had much more effect on his play than his cotton injections.

Olympic Hopefuls, Jim Snood and Mike Clasp endure hours of grueling wedgie workouts that last well in to the night. Jim, America’s brightest rising star in the javelin competition, states “What would hurt more than my package being lodged in my rear, would be walking away from the Games with nothing but a second bellybutton.”

Fate would have it that Jim’s roommate in the Olympic training facility, located outside Denver, is none other than Mike Clasp, the favorite to win the Men’s Clean and Jerk. (shown above giving Snood an atomic wedgie) Though admitting the pain is almost intoxicating, Snood’s number tell the tale. “Since I have committed to throwing my own spear away in the training process, throwing someone else’s is like child’s play.”

(Women’s’ tandem row boating is filling more cracks than Benjamin Moore)

Wedgie fever has not only spread in to the training regimens of multi athlete events, but has transformed many sports entirely and left players as well as officials shaking their collective heads.

Last week during Olympic qualifying for Men’s Soccer, Franz Hoister of Belgium got a “lift” from an illegal “flying wedgie” from teammates, which arguably gave him the extra power that was needed to kick a ball 400 yards. Chow Me Now of China can only look on in horror, not knowing what ball will eventually fly from the crowd.

Harder to test for than steroids and human growth hormones, wedgies are on the “rise” and with no “end” in sight, Olympic committees are meeting around the clock to determine a proper course of action.

More to follow.
For more information on Wedgies, please visit the following:

www.wikipedia.org states:
A wedgie (also known as a “snuggie” or “gotch pull”) is having one’s underwear or other garments “wedged” between the buttocks. This can occur naturally, due to tight garments or physical activity; this is referred to as the underwear “riding up”. It can also be performed as a prank or as a form of bullying; this is referred to as “giving (a person) a wedgie”

Brett Farve will take a play from Junior Seau’s playbook and un-retire from the Packers and play for the Jets.

Forget the tampering charges filed against the Vikings. Favre is going to stay green, because of the “green”.

The Jets will sign Brett Favre and pay big bucks in the process. Big bucks is nothing new to Jets owner, Woody Johnson who is reportedly willing to spend whatever it takes in order to outshine his biggest rival, Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder. How does one outshine a man who made his mark in the NFL as someone who continually overspends for spent talent? Simply outspend him at his own game.

To unseat Snyder as the #1, cash shoveling megalomaniac, Woody only needs turn to the plethora of over-the-hill prolific athletes, who are looking for a cushy curtain call with the fringe benefits of an open checkbook and a fully fueled private plane. The ever growing pool of athletes who are making more, by doing less… i.e. collecting fat payday after fat payday on sneaker deals and other endorsements, while jockeying for future broadcasting gigs on major sports networks (all of which are located in close proximity in some capacity or another to NYC) can’t possibly all fit on one NFL roster; therefore affording the Jets organization a perfect opportunity to purchase the cliché of the AFC’s most overpaid and overrated roster… Something Snyder has garnished for years virtually unopposed.

How can two grossly overpaid teams that combine to virtually eliminate any chance for the rest of the league to compete be good for the league you ask? Please review the explosion in both fan attendance and revenue generation that the Red socks vs. Yankees revived and reinvigorated rivalry had on Baseball. Bottom line, the game grew faster than Barry Bonds’ arms and therefore this is exactly what the NFL needs. For the NFL is rapidly approaching a saturation in the market.

After the euphoria subsided from last years, “All Most Perfect Season”, the NFL has been desperately looking for the next big story. Since competition can’t get any better and the games are positioned to carry your emotional high with only a slight dip on Tuesday and Wednesday, what else is there? A fight between two big bullies. Two teams that are expected to win, who subsequently are also two teams that everyone wants to lose due to the fact that no one likes their owners. Sure Jerry Jones and Al Davis are not loved, but they have eaten pie for so many years now and advanced so significantly in age at this point that many people are now feeling sorry for them. “Can someone please stop Grandpa from peeing in the corner of the living room?”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s a win, win scenario. Not a win, win, win scenario mind you, because the fans will be screwed once again.

The Packers will play the Jets in the Super Bowl this year with all the drama and pageantry associated with a story that could never be written in a Hollywood studio.
Winners: The NFL, higher ratings, more TV revenue generation. The players, with the stage set for pay more, get more. (forget the fact that the Steelers and Patriots made it year after year to big Dance on paying their players pittance) will translate in to a larger salary cap. Losers: The fans. Higher payroll equates to higher ticket prices, parking fees and inevitably a more expensive hotdog and beer.

Of course the following year both teams will be lucky to go 4 - 12, but the damage will be done and race will continue until a third team has the deep pockets to enter the race, when the Dolphins finally step up to the plate and sign Montana and Rice.

“Yo, you really think they’ll pay us both that much coin?”
“Not only are they going to pay us, but we’re going to make more money in endorsements, from Geritol to Depends, than we made in salary in our entire careers… My agent even came up with a catchy new marketing name for us… White Rice and is about to cut us a deal with Uncle Ben’s.”
“Word? You aint playing your Homey?”
“Not only am I not playing you, but I only plan on playing 3 games max next season due to a blown shoulder.”
“You the man Joe!”

By Rusty Weiss

Celtics power forward Brian Scalabrine stands at a daunting 6′ 9″.  He weighs in at a solid 235 pounds.  What could possibly make a man of his stature nervous?

“Having won a championship ring in only my seventh NBA season, I would assume the comparisons to Michael Jordan are right around the corner,” he said.  “It’s scary to have to live up to these expectations.”

“They’re always asking who’s the next Michael.  Is it Kobe?  Is it Lebron?  Or is it Scalabrine?  Now that I have a ring, it seems pretty obvious what the answer is,” he continued.

“It took Jordan seven years to get over the hump.  And here I am, seven years later, celebrating my first title.  Three-peat?  Probably.  Who knows where I’ll lead the Celtics in the next several years?  Six championships?  All-Star games?  These things are inevitable really.”

“Where’s your ring King James?” Scalabrine taunted.

“I might be the next Michael, but my ultimate goal is to ascend to further heights.  Will I be the next Mark Madsen?  Can I ever be in the same class as a Jack Haley?  I think so.  I just don’t want to be considered someone who rides the coattails of his teammates the way Jordan or Shaq did.”

Scalabrine had no comment when asked about his zero minutes of playing time in the NBA Finals.

© LameSports.net

By Rusty Weiss

In an interview late Wednesday evening, Vlade Divac, a star basketball player for the Sacramento Kings 2002 playoff team, was informed of the recent allegations made by disgraced referee Tim Donaghy.  Upon hearing these allegations, Divac immediately flopped to the floor as if he had been shot in the abdomen.

While he awaits his July 14^th sentencing for assisting professional gamblers and betting on NBA games himself, Donaghy has claimed that ‘company men’ manipulated the outcome of Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals in order to force a revenue generating Game 7.  The Sacramento Kings lost that game when the Los Angeles Lakers were awarded a staggering 27 free throws in the fourth quarter alone.

Divac defended Shaquille O’Neal during that series and frequently resorted to flopping in the hopes of drawing a charge from the much stronger O’Neal. 

After regaining his composure, Divac picked himself up the floor expecting to shoot free throws. 

“Sorry,” he said.  “Habit.”

Vlade’s impact on the NBA is being seen more prevalently in today’s game.

“Paul Pierce?  Wheelchair?  My idea,” he said, adjusting his Screen Actors Guild award on the wall.

Peja Stojakovic, a teammate of Divac’s in Sacramento, recalled “He was the father of flopping.”

Peja continued, “There were times when O’Neal would simply breathe on him the wrong way and we’d be like, look, there goes Vlade again, sailing through the air.  It was kind of funny.”

O’Neal himself said, “There was a reason I called them the Queens.  He was a drama queen.  There’d be times when I’d brush him with my elbow and he’s on the floor flailing in pain.  You’d have thought I clubbed him like a seal.”

Doug Christie, also a former teammate of Divac in Sacramento, spoke to reporters. 

“I don’t see why flopping is such a big deal,” he said.  “I mean, I have to lie down all the time when my wife is checking up on me.  It’s a useful tactic sometimes.  Um, hold on.  Jackie’s calling my cell.”

Christie then stomped his foot, adjusted his handbag on his shoulder, and spun away in a hissy fit.

© LameSports.net

By Rusty Weiss

© LameSports.net

By Rusty Weiss

© LameSports.net

By Rusty Weiss 

In the tumultuous world that is the sexual history of Roger Clemens, perhaps the most disturbing news has come from an anonymous source at the Daily News today.  In their continued effort to uncover the many alleged affairs of Clemens, the Daily News is reporting that he and Eight Belles had an alleged intimate relationship.  The most stunning news isn’t that this was yet another affair for a married man with four children.  No, it was that the alleged relationship began when Ms. Belles was no more than a foal.

The alleged affair came to light with a recent investigation into the possibility that Eight Belles injuries at last week’s Kentucky Derby may have been a result of steroid use.  Larry Jones, trainer for the fallen animal ordered the drug testing amidst a firestorm of speculation that the horse was far too muscular to have been due to natural means.  The growth, it was rumored, had to be due to steroid use.

An investigation into these charges has now been expanded.  Thus far, the investigation has turned up several used vials of what trainers are referring to as ‘Vitamin B’ in the horse’s stall.  Investigators say the vials contained growth hormone and had Clemens fingerprints on them. 

Belles old stall-mate, a colt named Offtodagluefactory remembers, “I knew something was up last summer.  Bellie and I weren’t sure of our future as racehorses.  I was talking to her about a job I heard about at some show in Tijuana.  She went with me to check it out.  Moral support, ya know?  I walked out immediately when I heard the pay was only one bag of oats a day.  I mean, come on, no apples?  To do that?”

“So we’re talking later that night, right, and I could see something was bothering her.  She said that Roger, Jose Canseco, and Miguel Tejada were at the show, and that Roger kept buying her drinks.  I remember asking, ‘Does he know you’re a foal for christ’s sake?’  She just broke down crying.”

“I guess you can call it the three T’s,” he said.  “Tijuana, Tejada, and Tequila.”

Another fellow racehorse, Too Old For Me said, “I knew about it almost immediately.  Clemens was talking to me on his ranch in Houston one day.  Then the conversation turned to Eight Belles.  He always confided in me for some reason.  Maybe he figured - Hey, it’s a horse, she won’t tell anyone.”

“Anyway, he mentioned how he had injected steroids into Belles buttocks for weeks now.  Then he just smiled and said, ‘That wasn’t the only thing I injected, baby!’  I whinnied in disgust and trotted off.”

Messages to Clemens home were not immediately returned.

Rusty Hardin, lawyer for Clemens had this to say, “Roger is experiencing a very difficult stretch, and he hopes to address all of your questions at some point.  Today however, he has spent most of his day dispelling rumors of an affair with Barbara Walters, a horse of a different color so to speak.”

© LameSports.net

By Rusty Weiss

© LameSports.net

By Rusty Weiss

Brazil striker Ronaldo says he’s sorry, embarrassed and ashamed that he ever consulted long time friend Eddie Murphy before calling for a prostitute.  After his highly publicized encounter a week ago with three cross-dressing prostitutes, the soccer star called his error in judgment the biggest mistake of his life.

In a recent interview, Ronaldo was quoted as saying “It was an isolated and stupid act.”

The three-time FIFA player of the year added “I’m sorry and ashamed.  Eddie is a good friend, but I never should have asked him for that prostitute’s phone number.  I mean, dude had a tranny arrested in his car once.  I should’ve expected that she might come with some men’s tackle.  You know?  Seriously.”

AC Milan teammate and defender, Massimo Oddo said, “Gives a whole new meaning to the term slide tackle.”

Oddo continued, “Why he would ask that guy (Murphy) for advice is beyond me.  I think anyone who does method acting as a donkey has some issues.” 

Retired soccer player Zinedine Zidane was asked his thoughts.  He said, “Sometimes you can’t get the game out of your system, even if you aren’t playing.  I may be retired, but I always have the desire to take the field and prove how good I am.  It’s probably the same for an injured star like Ronaldo.”

When asked for clarification Zidane surmised, “He can’t be on the field, but he’s still clearly playing with balls.”

Zidane was later pulled off of a reporter following a vicious head butt, the result of a misunderstanding in which he thought the reporter had referred to the transsexual prostitute as Zidane’s sister.

© LameSports.net

By Kevin Moran 

Marlins’ owner, Jeffrey Loria, has agreed in principle to sell the team to Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez, according to a Major League Baseball official speaking on the condition of anonymity.  The deal is contingent upon the approval of Commissioner Bud Selig. The commissioner could not be reached for comment Monday night, but he is not expected to impede the sale.                                                                                               

Hank Steinbrenner will allow A-rod to use the Marlins as a Class A affiliate of the Yankees in the Florida Coast League. Hanley Ramirez is expected to join the Yankees in mid-season to bolster their bench.  The 24 year old shortstop batted .332 with 29 home runs last season.  A-Rod will inherit a payroll of about $10 million.  By comparison, Rodriguez will make $27 million with the Yankees this season.  Despite those deep pockets, the reigning AL MVP is expected to be more frugal with his money.

“Alex has told me that the Marlins are very important to him and that he is willing to make personal sacrifices to ensure that the team prospers.  He’s going to have to make some concessions.  I mean when you own a team, you just can’t spend millions of dollars on hair gel. Fortunately, the natural Florida sunshine will cut down on Alex’s tanning bills.  All in all, I think it’s a great day for Alex and Major League Baseball,” said Yankees’ captain Derek Jeter. 

Not everyone is happy with the pending sale of the Marlins.  Red Sox Left Fielder, Manny Ramirez is expected to file a grievance against Major League Baseball, reportedly because they rejected his bid to buy the Washington Nationals. 

© LameSports.net