Lame Sports

What’s the next big thing in Men’s Figure Skating?

 

By Trel

Lurking in the shadows of the Summer Olympics, Men’s Figure Skating is getting a makeover for the ages. Olympic Athletes are always looking for that next big leap in technology due to the ever constraining, ever more diligent, technologically advanced drug testing policies that seem to take away every record shattering performance and accompanying Gold medal with a “positive” test for either steroids or extra red blood cells.

For some reason sports as a whole has historically turned a blind eye, as athletes dramatically increase their performance with external gear. Most notable recent leaps in techno gadgetry are the Nike Body Cool suite for long distance runners, designed to keep the athlete’s core body temperature down longer, thus allowing the athlete to burn less energy on maintaining body temperature, translating in to more energy allocated for the actual race; while the new suit designed by Speedo for the Olympic swimmers makes water move along the body quicker via less friction from the new exotic material, translating in less drag on the swimmer than their competitor that just got the Brazilian wax.

Though some might be shocked at the new level at which athletes are allowed to enhance their performance, being shocked is nothing new to the ultra competitive world of Men’s Figure Skating. Brian “The Boy Next Door” Davis is pictured below in the “Frost Angle” position, donning an electric collar. The gray box located below his jutting jaw bone is in fact an electric shock device, which works in conjunction with a partner device that is strapped around his genitals. Both shock boxes work in unison as a form of “Stun Gun” psychology… triggered by the coach when the athlete strays from a famine stance to something that maybe considered by the judges as something too manly.

Has technology gone too far? Who regulates these devices? Has anyone tested them to see if in fact they are even humane? Can external enhancement gone unchecked lead to as many negative mental ailments, as drugs can on the physical side?

If anyone doubts the level of control a coach can command of an athlete utilizing devices like the Garmin’s Gayzer 2000, one only has to look at what coach Hank E. Panky did to Davis during the 2004 trials in Munich… making Davis perform fellatio on himself in front of a shocked audience.

It turns out in a wild twist of fate that when the neck collar and the testicle collar are linked within inches of themselves the combined rhythmic pulses of the electric currents trigger two glands in the neck, one of which excretes a “dopamine” type substance, while the other a pheromone. Coupled with the skater’s incredible flexibility and unisex mindset during competition, Davis was left almost no choice but to consume himself for over 30 minutes. Subsequently, Davis not only finished in last place, but later had to be pried away from his own package at an area Hospital, momentarily unaware that he even attended a skating event that day.

Other notable technology advances in Men’s Figure Skating are the Bunny 300 Series and the SOE - TR Cloaker Suit, both of which empower the men to appear meeker to the audience and judges, while at the same time increasing performance via cutting edge technologies… ergo - hidden underneath the innocent bunny is a new composite skate blade that holds its edge 42% longer than a diamond and is more flexible than a trampoline.

As of press time, the SOE - TR Cloaker Suit had not been scientifically proven to enhance any aspect of the athlete’s routine, but has been found hidden in several dressing rooms throughout the Men’s Figure Skating world. One can only speculate that such a body suit is utilized for strength training or obedience schooling… the latter would further secure the coaches’ reigns on their perspective athletes.