Lame Sports

Ultimate March Madness Advice

By David Gignilliat

Along with the crack of the bat in spring training and the wall-to-wall coverage of the marathon NFL draft, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament ranks among the most cherished and anticipated rites of spring for dedicated television-watching sports fans. When the brackets come out each year, you’ll typically find two types of columns written by sportswriters. 

The first type is a thorough, team-by-team, round-by-round analysis that uses statistics, rankings and matchups to predict the winners in each round.  It’s usually written by an expert (like a Jay Bilas or an Andy Katz).  These columns are chock full of useful facts and thoughtful analysis. 

The second type of column is usually the token tongue-in cheek NCAA tournament column.  It typically includes sorting teams by cool mascot names, sexy alumni, inverse graduation rates and the like.  So clever, so clever. 

These types of columns have been written so often that over time the humorous, irreverent and clever take on the tourney has become unfunny, overly reverent and clichéd. Well, this year I endeavor to add a third type of column to the mix, the ultra-obscure, totally unsubstantiated, no picks-made, no advice-given column.  You will not find a decision making matrix anywhere in this column or talk about the history of 5/12 games.  Thank God. Instead, you will find in this column some moderately useful, semi-practical advice and suggestions.  At least I think it is…

1) Rename each round:  March Madness.  Sweet Sixteen.  Elite Eight.  Final Four.  Alliteration abounds.  How cute.  But why isn’t there a clever name for the 1st round.  Sassy 64 anyone?  Anyone?  Or the round of 32?   Come to think of it, I think the existing round names could use a little updating.  What about Silly Sixteen, Egregious Eight and Foxy Four?  No, I didn’t think so. Make it your own with clever names. 

2) Let your wife/spouse/significant other/life partner do your picks - Take emotion out of the equation and turn over the bracket-busting reins to an objective third party.  The less knowledge about teams, players and the sport of college basketball the better.  Letting someone else fill out your bracket is an excellent way to avoid blame and derision - it allows you to pass the buck and point the finger in another direction should the picks go completely awry.  It should also allow you to kick back and actually watch college basketball and enjoy it as a pure sporting event, without any gambling-related pressure. 

3) Take off work Thursday and Friday - Nothing beats the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament in terms of bang-for-your-buck.  If you have sick days at work, use them.  If you can get a non-sports fan to work for you, do it.  If you don’t have sick days, get creative.  I find the phrases “explosive diarrhea” or “a bad case of pinkeye” to be highly effective in explaining away potential work absences to supervisors.  In a pinch, tell your boss you drank some bad beer last night and that you’re still sick top your stomach. 

4) Pick your teams with meaningless, arcane criteria -Too many of you stare at your brackets with the intensity of a melodramatic, man-hating Lifetime original.  You know, something about battered women or murderous, sociopathic men, starring Luke Perry and Mercedes Ruehl.  Why stress yourself out when it’s all guesswork anyway.  Have you tried to pick all the NFL games each weekend?  It’s pretty hard to even get half of them right most of the time. Anyhow, the more obscure the better in selecting your picks.  How about best party schools?  Or worst mascot?  Highest president/provost salary?  Which team names make the best anagrams?  Which schools have the easiest undergraduate majors?  Which school has the coolest motto?  Which schools are represented by someone on your Facebook profile?  Which campuses have you visited? 

I know I said I wasn’t going to give any picks, but I couldn’t resist. 

Final Four: UCLA, Pittsburgh, UNC, Georgetown 

Terrible Two: UNC-UCLA NCAA

Champ: UNC 

And, of course, this advice should not be used for any gambling or wagering purposes.  Unless you win your office pool, then you can send me a check to give me proper credit. 

If you have any offbeat (and occasionally successful) techniques about picking your brackets, we’d love to hear about them.  Please e-mail Lame Sports with your suggestions at editor@lamesports.net.

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