Lame Sports

Washington Digs in Against the Rocket

By Chris St. Jacques

Washington, D.C. - The buzz inside the beltway reached a fevered pitch, as Roger “The Rocket” Clemens spent five hours with the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.  The questioning from representatives on the committee ranged from his ‘alleged’ use of steroids and HGH to how he felt when he won his first Cy Young Award to what he was doing later and if he maybe, possibly would want to go out for a beer. 

The session took place behind closed doors, but sources (who asked not to be named) said that the inquiry seemed to be less about The Rocket’s ‘alleged’ use of steroids and more about his dynamic career.  Example:                       

House Rep:  So, uh, Roger… Can I call you Rocket?

Clemens:  Sure, call me whatever.

House Rep:  Very good.  Rocket, did you ever use steroids?

Clemens:  Nope.

House Rep:  Great!  Moving on…  Man, you started Game 6 in ‘86 when that ball went under Bucker’s legs. 

Clemens:  Yeah, was there a question?

House Rep:  Oh, yeah, how much did that suck?

Clemens:  A lot, it cost us the series.

House Rep:  Totally.  That’s messed up.  Do you think that Boston is cursed?

Clemens:  Are we done here?

House Rep 2:  Almost, I heard that you killed a bear with your bare hands, is that true?

Clemens:  That was Davy Crockett!

House Rep 3:  Roger, who has a better fastball, you or Nolan Ryan?

Clemens:  I don’t know. I think that we both have a pretty wicked fastball.

House Rep 2:  That’s fair.  That’s fair.  So then, who as a better fast ball, you or Davy Crockett?

Clemens:  I think we’re done here.

House Rep:  Oh, we’ll tell you when you’re done.

This apparently went on for the entire five hour block, only broken up during the moments the representatives took a recess to fetch balls, gloves and other miscellaneous trinkets, which they then forced Mr. Clemens to sign. 

One Representative was asked about the House taking time to interview baseball players about using performance enhancing drugs, and whether the Federal Government had any jurisdiction in the matter. 

His reply was quite candid, “Honestly, we don’t have any jurisdiction, or maybe we do, somebody should look that up.  But we work hard around here and need something to break things up.  Every day it is healthcare this and spending bill that, and it gets boring.  Wouldn’t you want to sit down for five hours and shoot-the-bull with the Rocket?  We can do it because we have something that you don’t - subpoena power!  This is off the record, right?”

He then went on to brag about the list of people they have had the opportunity  to talk to; people like Sammy Sosa, The Bash Brothers (Mark McGwire and Jose Conseco) and Andy Pettitte.  If these athletes keep showing up there is no telling where this will end.  In fact, some of our elected officials have grown tired of baseball players and have set their sights on the NFL. 

Sen. Arlen Specter [R-Pa] has set up a meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell.  Word inside the beltway is that Specter doesn’t even care about Spygate, but is hoping that Goodell will bring Donovan McNabb or Brian Westbrook with him to the meeting.  One of Mr. Specter’s interns (who also asked not to be named) said, “Its weird, ever since the meeting with Mr. Goodell was confirmed he [Specter] has been walking around the office mumbling ‘E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!’ non-stop.”

Football won’t be the last sport either.  Daryl Issa (R-Ca) (who also sat in on the Clemens deposition) made mention that the House Oversight committee has its eye on the NBA as well. 

“Have you seen those guys?” Issa said.  “Some of them are seven feet tall.  You can’t look me in the eye and tell me they aren’t using HGH.  Human Growth is right there in the name of the thing.  What’s Shaq, about 7′1″?  A person just doesn’t get that tall by eating their veggies and drinking milk, unless those veggies are laced with HGH and the milk contains Winstrol.  This is off the record right?”

© LameSports.net