Lame Sports

Tired of Winning, Suns Trade For O’Neal

By Thomas Mundt 

PHOENIX, AZ  -  Fed up with their unique, fast-paced brand of championship-caliber basketball, Suns GM Steve Kerr shipped 4-time All-Star Shawn Marion and reserve Marcus Banks to the Miami Heat in exchange for infirm rapper/actor Shaquille O’Neal.  The move, coming just days before the All-Star Break, is designed to render the Suns’ high-powered offense completely impotent and nondescript by season’s end.

“We definitely needed a change,” Kerr informed the media Thursday.  “We’re one of the best teams in the NBA, thanks to a youthful starting five that intimidates our opponents with our raw athleticism and ability to consistently put 120-plus points on the board.  In short, not much cause for optimism.”

The Suns look to add to the Loss column immediately, as their many early-season wins have greatly diminished their chances of missing the playoffs.  O’Neal himself is optimistic about the Western Conference leader’s chances for complete implosion.

“If you don’t believe this (trade) puts us on the same level as the Bulls, Bobcats, and T-Wolves, you’re crazy,” bragged O’Neal.  “With some hard work and a little bit of luck, we could be looking at a 10-, 15-game skid by the end of this month.”

The veteran center’s confidence in his ability to emotionally deflate those around him was palpable as well.

“I look forward to disappointing my new teammates with my lack of intensity and focus on both ends of the floor,” grinned O’Neal.  “Also, I’m eager to help Suns fans experience the sort of profound heartache that comes with receiving absolutely no return on your emotional investment.”

“I definitely intend to ride out the remainder of my career in a Suns uniform, my effort level dwindling with each passing day,” added the 7-footer.

The 35-year old O’Neal, whose film credits include Blue Chips and Kazaam, is expected to contribute absolutely nothing to the Suns’ fastbreak-oriented approach and will instead lumber up and down the court methodically for 25-30 minutes a contest.  O’Neal is also projected to clog the paint, obstructing league MVP Steve Nash’s patented drive-and-dish and frustrating All-Star Amare Stoudemire’s post game.

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