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Feb
2008
Tiger Woods World Domination
By David Gignilliat
Two tournaments entered. Two tournaments won. Another week. Another ho-hum Tiger Woods win.
After a four-month hiatus, Woods won the Buick Invitational by eight strokes in his first event of the season. Tiger struggled this past week, ceding the lead in the third-round to Ernie Els before struggling to a disappointing first-place finish and two-stroke victory at the Dubai Desert Classic.
With the head of steam Woods appears to have so far in 2008, many are predicting a 10-win season for golf’s greatest player. And many experts in the media see him making an epic run at winning all four major championships in a calendar year.
But why should we stop there? Tiger is capable of much, much more. Let’s put all the hopes and dreams of our country on the sinewy shoulders of Mr. Eldrick “Tiger” Woods.
Ask not what Tiger can do for our country, but what our Tiger can do for you …
Not satisfied with being just an employee, Woods will tap retired (and incarcerated) kingmaker Gordon Gekko to help him orchestrate a leveraged buyout of Nike. Woods and Gecko quickly oust CEO and founder Phil Knight from the Swoosh.
During a mid-May snorkeling session at his Windemere, FL home, Woods will locate the lost city of Atlantis. He will quickly add “The Old Course” at Atlantis to the 18-hole layouts on his Tiger Woods 2009 EA sports video game.
During the week of May’s Invitational at Colonial, a tournament he usually skips, Tiger will locate the Ark of the Covenant during a weekend trip to the Egyptian city of Tanis with turbo-hot wife Elin Nordegren. Naturally, this legendary find will coincide perfectly with the May 22nd nationwide release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull starring Harrison Ford, Shia LaBouef and Cate Blanchett.
In July, while eating a Sammie at a local Quizno’s, Woods discovers the cure for cancer while his tasty sandwich is being toasted. By the end of his meal, Tiger also balances the trade deficit and wins the Nobel Peace Prize by brokering a lasting peace in the Middle East
After winning the season’s last major in early August, Woods is picked to replace Hillary Clinton as Barack Obama’s running mate in late August. An Obama/Woods ticket could probably win in November. I’m actually serious on this one. Wouldn’t it be nice to see the Rose Garden turned into a little par-3 course?
To end the year, Woods will outdo himself one last time. He will solve the world’s greatest mystery when he unlocks the mystery of “morning wood” while at a week-long symposium with MIT scientists. In honor of his achievement, any unexplainable early-morning erection will henceforth be referred to as a “Tiger Wood.”
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