Lame Sports

Pee-Wee Super Bowl Simulation

By Nick Maloney

With places like ESPN, SI.com, Boston.com and even the New York Times using the Madden Football videogame series to predict the Super Bowl the last couple of years, we here at Lame Sports have a different idea:  a Pee Wee football simulation.

We gathered two football teams whose rosters are filled with nine-year-old bed wetters, dressed one as the Giants and the other in Patriots uniforms.   Not sure how to choose which team should represent the Giants and which should be the Pats, we looked for the team with the most awkward looking player on it and made them the Giants, and gave that kid an Eli Manning jersey.

It also helped that the coach of the “Patriots” seemed to be a giant a-hole with no sense of humor about the whole thing.  He kept yelling at the kids until they cried.

The scene is set.  Two teams who have no idea why they’re dressed as teams from New York and New England, and a bunch of overbearing parents making me swear to never turn out like them.

Remember the phrase “if you had fun, you’re a winner?”  Well, not today, Jimmy.  If you have fun, we don’t care.  If you win, you get dinner.  If you don’t, count on your parents trying for another child the minute you get home and re-naming you ‘Sally.’

The game starts, a kickoff that goes about ten yards. 

Whew, what excitement already. 

Johnny Atkinson falls down, stubs his toe and begins screaming for mommy and refuses to play the rest of the game.   He’s on the Giants, fittingly.  Maybe that’s his Plaxico Burress impression; after all he hasn’t attended a practice all season.

Eli Manning comes out of the huddle sucking on his thumb and drives down the field only to crap his pants after getting into the red zone.  The drive stalls and results in a missed 21-yard field goal by a kid that was wearing his helmet backwards.  Nice shot of the Giants coach on the sideline who adorned his face with Frank’s Red Hot sauce and Vaseline to look as insane as Tom Coughlin did in the process of freezing his face off in Green Bay two weeks ago.

The Patriots take over in the shadows of their own uprights and in the shadow of their coach who has his taser ready for anyone who doesn’t go 100% on a play. 

After their first passing attempt, half the Patriots team is incapacitated on the field and Belichick’s stun gun needs new batteries.  The rain helped carry the current, two players are passed out.  No parents protest, they just want a ring, man.

Sadly no one puts up any points in the first half, and the teams head into the locker room tied.

A few diaper changes later (told you they were bad under pressure), and the Patriots and Giants re-emerge looking as sleepy and uninterested as they were at kickoff, so they all take naps at the 50-yard-line.

No one wanted to play again after their sleepy time, so the game was called a draw and parents who took the over on the 10-point over/under lost their mortgages.  It’s ironic that some of the kids were actually playing for their own college funds and because of their own ineptness on the field now won’t be getting an education.

Anyway, hopefully the real Super Bowl isn’t that boring or sponsored by Huggies.

You can contact Nick at NickMaloney@rcn.com to crap all over his stories.

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