Lame Sports

Jets Sign Cooper Manning

By Victor Li

Eric Mangini hung up the phone, sat back in his chair, and put on his best cat-swallowing-the-canary grin.  The “Man-Genius” had come off a difficult season in which his New York Jets crashed to a 4-12 record.  Mangini was widely vilified within the coaching community for blowing the whistle on his former mentor, Bill Belichick, for videotaping the Jets’ defensive signals.  Mangini was also targeted by fans and sports reporters for his stubborn refusal to bench Chad Pennington, even though it was clear that Pennington could no longer out-throw the team’s eight year old water boy.  Mangini’s reputation as a defensive guru also took a hit as football observers constantly wondered whether his 3-4 formation was compatible with his roster of defensive players. 

Worse of all, he had to stand by and watch his two bitter rivals, the New England Patriots and the New York Giants, play in the Super Bowl.  Indeed, if there was ever a sign that showed up just how far the Jets had fallen, it was the fact that, during the weeks of hype leading up to Super Bowl XLII, Eric Mangini and his staff were preoccupied with how to use the #6 overall pick in the upcoming NFL Draft.  Indeed, Mangini came to the sad conclusion that not even a top-tier prospect could turn things around for the Jets in 2008.  Their defense is aging and lacks dynamic playmakers outside of 2007 first-rounder Darrelle Revis.  Their offense lacks explosiveness and has a gigantic question-mark at QB.  Indeed, it looks like the Jets need a lot of help and need it soon if they want to compete with the Patriots and the Giants.

Then why is Coach Mangini smiling?  Did the man who made a guest appearance on “The Sopranos” secure another acting gig?  Did the man who ratted out the Patriots uncover more evidence of spying by their division rival?  Did the man who starred in a cell phone ad link up with Peyton Manning’s agent, thereby ensuring that he will star in 15 different ad campaigns by the beginning of next season?  Well, not quite.  His happiness does involve a Manning. 

Cooper Manning. 

“The last two Super Bowls were won by members of the Manning family.  Peyton led the Colts to a Super Bowl and was named MVP.  Eli won it this year.  They both defeated the Patriots.  They both showed that they can handle big-time pressure and can thrive in the spotlight,” Mangini said. 

“Most importantly, they come from great stock,” Mangini continued.  “Archie Manning sure did a great job on those boys.  Nothing against Chad, but his parents were both teachers.  Maybe if I wanted another assistant coach or someone who could teach my players how to take the Wonderlic test, then he would be my guy.  Kellen Clemens, God bless him, comes from a cattle ranching family.  If I need someone to hogtie Tom Brady or brand Randy Moss, then I’ll call on Kellen.  But in the meantime, I’ve got games to win!  I need a Manning at QB!”

Cooper Manning, for his part, was also excited about the prospect of leading the New York Jets to the Promised Land.  The elder Manning has never played QB before.  Instead, he was a standout wide-receiver in high school that was heavily recruited and ticketed for stardom at Ole Miss before a back injury ended his career.  Cooper, however, is not worried about playing an unfamiliar position.

“I think my speed as a former receiver will serve me well.  Maybe I can’t throw 70 yards downfield like my brothers; however, I can sure as heck run.  If we stick to running the option, then there’s no reason why I can’t be an All-Pro,” Cooper stated proudly. 

Mangini, for his part, also downplayed Cooper’s lack of experience.  “He’s athletic, he’s an accomplished football player, and he’s a Manning.  That’s good enough for me.  Plus, he’s an advertiser’s dream.  Madison Avenue will love this guy!  There’s no reason why Broadway Coop can’t be every bit as big as Broadway Joe!”

Cooper has already signed endorsement deals with Verizon, Panasonic, Nike, American Express, and Cooper Tires (who have already promised him his own line of distinctive tires).  Cooper is also set to be on the cover of “Madden 2009″ and “Sports Illustrated.”  ”I’m not worried about those curses,” Cooper explained.  “I’m a Manning.  What could possibly go wrong?”

Mangini isn’t stopping at Cooper Manning, either.  “You can never have too many Mannings,” he stated matter-of-factly.  The Jets are in negotiations with defensive backs Ricky Manning and linebacker Roy Manning.  The Jets have also reached out to former NBA All-Star Danny Manning (”He’s tall, so we can have him block kicks or something,” Mangini stated), Canadian politician Preston Manning (”If we have to play the Bills in Toronto, then having a Canadian politician on our team can only help us, right?” Mangini asked), and the guy who played Curtis Manning on “24″ (”He seemed pretty athletic, especially since he was out in the field chasing terrorists the whole time.  Plus, they killed his character off, so he’s probably got nothing better to do,” Mangini pointed out). 

Eric Mangini then finished off the interview with a quote from “Major League.”  ”I think we’re a contender right now!” he exclaimed.

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