Lame Sports

Divorce Rates in New England Skyrocket Due to “18-1” Jokes

By Nick Maloney

Marriages are ending at a record rate in the New England area, not because of strife over the Patriots loss, but because wives everywhere just can’t lay off the topic.

“She told me to go take out the trash and when I didn’t do it right away she started screaming ‘18-1! 18-1, Frank!! That’s when I called my lawyer and filed the papers,” said Frank Julien of Boston.

“They just don’t get it.   This is not a time for that ‘it’s just a game,’ crap.   This was NOT just a game.   This was history.   Now, it’s all New England fans will hear for the next 20 years.   She can take all my stuff; it’s worth it to get rid of the teasing.   If I don’t end it now, I’ll probably kill her later.

Patriot’s fans everywhere are hitting the liquor hard this week to try to recover from what is truly an historic loss.   As a Patriots fan, I’ll save my rant for my blog and you’re lucky I am.   I’ve had a therapist on retainer since late Sunday night and the Suicide Hotline on speed dial for when I need someone to talk to.   That’s all you need to know.  Put it this way, I just saw that the NFL Network is replaying the game right now and I just got physically queasy.   Now, let’s get back to making light of my very, very, real pain for your entertainment.

Using the 18-1 line anywhere in New England will result in a serious verbal warning.   If that warning is not heeded, fists will be flying and there will be loss of life.   There is a silver lining though:  the cops will look the other way. 

Saying 18-1 to a Pats fan’s face is like calling someone a racial slur or disparaging someone’s mother, with their mother right there in the room.   Every time I hear it, my heart tenses up and I feel like I’m going to be sick.   In terms of marriages, it’s worse than a wife cheating on her husband and then purposely leaving a tape of all the action in the VCR for the husband to find.

George Carlin ought to update his “seven words you can’t say on TV” bit to include “18-1″.   It’s that awful.

Bostonians who can laugh off Aaron bleepin’ Boone being yelled in their faces will legitimately drop a deuce in their pants upon hearing a reference to the Super Bowl loss for the rest of their lives. 

Friendships are being broken up in New England on top of marriages.   Wives who were kicked out of their homes because of their ill advised chiding have nowhere to go; anyone who associates with an 18-1 joker risks being ostracized from society and being blacklisted.   It’s an absolute witch hunt.

“I won’t take any of them in.   Bitches should know better,” said Steve Phillips, the Saint Francis House, a homeless shelter in Boston.

The Church is also suffering.   Many in New England, once considered a God fearing area, have lost their faith entirely.

“Attendance is down 75% already.   Even our choir-members sound like their hearts have been ripped out.   They’re mumbling Gregorian Chants in there, that stuff even depresses me.   I’ve heard that most people are refusing to leave their houses.   Nothing can save us now,” said Fr.  Verecke, of St. Ignatius Church.

In other news, children named Eli are being disowned at an alarming rate in the Boston area.   

Julia Joseph runs an adoption agency outside the city.

“We’ve had such an onslaught of kids named Eli being brought in for adoption.  Prospective parents are like ‘Aw he’s cute, what’s his name?’ and when I say ‘Oh, his name is Eli’ they gag and move right along.”

Nick Maloney can be reached at NickMaloney@rcn.com but if you mention the Pats he’ll e-mail you a virus.

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