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Feb
2008
Boston Annexes Perfectville
By Tyler Hinman
What started as another seasonable, sun-soaked day in Perfectville, soon turned chaotic as a horde of marauding Bostonians attacked the domicile of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who remain the only undefeated team in NFL history.
Thomas Menino, mayor of Boston, called a press conference to confirm that he had made the decision to seize Perfectville forcibly.
“Perfectville is rightfully ours,” remarked Menino. “The fact is that the New England Patriots are the perfect football team, and that fluky quote-unquote ‘loss’ in the Super Bowl doesn’t change that. The record books may not say it, but everyone knows that this team is essentially 19-0.”
“I mean, that guy caught the ball with his goddamn head,” added the mayor. “Are you kidding me?”
This brave reporter fought his way to the front lines and entered the ‘72 Dolphins’ stronghold, where, as an avid Giants fan, he was welcomed.
“I don’t know what happened, man!” shouted outspoken running back Mercury Morris, raising his voice over the rabble outside. “One minute I’m asking Shula if he wants mustard, and the next we’re chased inside by a bunch of harpoon-carrying freaks yelling ‘THIS IS BOSTOOOOON! I thought I told them to call me when they’re on my block! TAKE COVER!”
That last exclamation came as a bowl of flaming clam chowder came crashing through the front window. The Dolphins countered by continuing to throw beers into the crowd, causing some attackers to turn on each other as they fought over it.
“I don’t know how much longer we can last with these supplies! We can’t get to the barbecue! And we’re running out of beer! God, how much can these people possibly go through?”
As the siege enters its eighth hour, this reporter would like to say that he loves his family and that he will always bleed Giants blue, even if he’s currently bleeding much more of it than he would like. Super Bowl XLII champions always…
- Tyler Hinman sent this story in a lengthy series of text messages. He will be missed.
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