Lame Sports

USA Cycling Votes to Disband

By Carol Pearson

After two less than stellar years involving the Tour de France, several doping scandals involving top riders, and lack of a decent human-interest story, USA Cycling has voted to throw in the towel. This comes as a shock to many, since a large number of Americans were unaware that there were enough cyclists in the United States to form a governing body, much less an entire organization.

Said a spokesman for USA Cycling, “Seriously, we give up. Frankly, we are just plain tired of trying to convince Americans to give a crap about cycling. In fact, most of us, officers and rank and file members, don’t even care anymore, and we’re involved in cycling every day.” He added, “It was one thing when we had that cancer survivor, Lance something, kicking everyone’s butt for seven years straight. I mean, he almost died of cancer, for crying out loud! HE ALMOST DIED OF CANCER! Everyone loves that crap.”

Unfortunately, no other professional level American cyclist has been willing to contract a potentially fatal illness in order to increase the interest in the sport. Jon Turner, an occasional fan of cycling, said, “I would watch if someone had AIDS or tuberculosis or even diabetes, but now all of the races are filled with relatively healthy guys who just do a bunch of training day in, day out, year after year.”

It also does not help that the last two Tours have not lived up to the expectations of an American public used to success in normally obscure sporting endeavors. In 2006, American Floyd Landis won but was later stripped of his title when he tested positive for drugs. The highest place received by an American in the 2007 Tour was Levi Leipheimer who managed to come in third place despite being the only American in the race with a name that is as hard to pronounce as some of the European riders.

“If the United States can’t send someone with an easily pronounceable name and a history of serious illness who also has the ability to win seven years straight, then they will lose my vote forever,” said Turner.

© LameSports.net