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Jan
2008
Selig Approves New Mitchell Investigation
By Craig Gonciarczyk
With all the fervor, speculation and accusations coming in the wake of the Mitchell report on steroids in baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig has authorized George Mitchell to conduct another investigation involving hormone injections.
“I’m proud to announce that I have once again asked former Senator George Mitchell to investigate the prolific and rampant use of insulin by Major League Baseball players,” Selig said in a press conference today. “We’re just looking to shed light on the use and possibly the abuse of this hormone.”
“I’m looking forward to talking with players, current and former, speaking to doctors and going through dumpsters again,” Mitchell said. “Our dumpster dives not only yielded some important documents, but also enough food to feed the team for a week. Our favorite was The Italian Bistro’s dumpster outside of Jason Grimsley’s place. Great lasagna.”
“We have lived under this specter of insulin injection long enough,” Selig concluded. “It is time to find out who is using and who isn’t.”
Reaction to this announcement has been swift and decisive.
“I’d like to know if I have been playing with anyone injecting insulin on a daily basis,” pitcher Roger Clemens said while fielding questions about steroid use. “It’s pretty much the same as using steroids, except they’re trying to stay alive.”
“I’m wondering how this is going to affect Hall of Fame voting,” said sportswriter and Hall of Famer Peter Gammons. “Some in the Hall already were insulin users. Catfish Hunter. Ty Cobb may have been. Heck, even the great Jackie Robinson was an insulin user and he’s in. This will be very interesting.”
One notable and admitted insulin user has also voiced his opinion on the announcement.
“Everyone knows I’m a diabetic and an insulin user,” said former Chicago Cubs third baseman Ron Santo. “Maybe that’s why I’m not in the Hall of Fame. Not my stats. Insulin bias.”
“I wonder if they’re just singling out baseball players,” Santo added. “I know for a fact there are insulin users in football and basketball. Don’t know about hockey though. Are they still playing?”
“We’re hoping to finish this report and present it to the Commissioner by the end of the year,” Mitchell said. “Of course, player cooperation is necessary for an expedient process.”
Mitchell also said he and his team are “excited” to get under way, mostly because there are and have been tests to detect abnormal levels of insulin in place for a number of years.
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