Lame Sports

Scooby-Doo Admits to Taking Steroid Laced Scooby Snacks: ‘I Rawt it Was Rax Reed Roil’ Admits Cartoon Star

By Rusty Weiss

Newspaper columns are rarely hard up for shocking news when it comes to the world of entertainment or sports.  Occasionally, quite unexpectedly, those worlds collide.  Such is the case for one wayward pup named Scooby-Doo, and the ever growing saga that is steroid use in professional sports.

Indeed Scooby-Doo, where are you?  Or rather, where have you been?  The answer appears to be the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative, better known to sports fans world-wide as BALCO.

Mr. Doo, star of the children’s favorite cartoon bearing his name, has admitted taking Scooby Snacks over a period of three years that were shipped directly from BALCO.  The treats had been altered with various forms of steroids and canine growth hormones (CGH).

In a tell-all interview with Lame Sports, Doo admits to using the CGH snacks, but that he thought he was eating Vitamin B pills, or flax seed crackers.

When asked where he had first made contact with BALCO, Doo indicated that an old friend from the Bay Area had recommended them.

Speaking through a dog whisperer, Scooby recalled, “Shaggy was taking me for a stroll through the neighborhood when I noticed this sweet Pomeranian coming towards us.  Who’s at the end of her leash?  Barry Bonds!”

“We started talking training regimens,” he went on.  “I mentioned that I had sprained my ankle three weeks earlier when I was running away from the Creepy Heap from the Deep, and that it wasn’t healing.  He said, ‘Try rubbing some of this on your ankle, it should help,’ and he tossed me a tub of cream.”

Doo continued, “The last thing he said to me was whatever you do, don’t rub it on your head.”

As you can see from the accompanying file photo, Scooby failed to heed Bonds words, and much like the baseball star, suffered the same effects to his head.

“I’m a dog,” he said.  “I get into things.”

Still, the downward spiral that led to one of the most beloved cartoon characters of all time resorting to illegal drug use had not yet developed.  It was a few months later that Scooby-Doo realized the ramifications of what Bonds had suggested.

“I was working out in the gym, feeling the burn you know?  And I’m watching the 10,000 Volt Ghost go through his routine.  The energy of this guy was unreal.  I asked him what his secret was and he handed me a BALCO business card with the name Victor Conte on it.”

“I asked Fred for the keys to the Mystery Machine, and paid a visit to the lab.  Conte and a couple of other guys met with me personally.  They told me we had to keep things quiet, so I guess they laced my Scooby Snacks with some roids and hormones.

They told me it was just a ‘special cream’ and some flax seed oil.  A few weeks later, my body had caught up to my head and I am ripped, just ripped man.”

When asked if he really could have believed what Conte was telling him, Doo asserted himself by cutting off his interpreter and stated angrily, “I rawt it was rax reed roil!  I rawt it was rax reed roil…” his voice trailing off.

While it is clear that Scooby-Doo is ashamed of his past steroid use, he does offer some insight into how bad the situation had grown.  Once establishing a pattern of illegal drug use, it was easy to continue down a dark path.

“I’m recovering from my injuries, building up muscle mass like nothing, but I still needed an edge.  My nephew Scrappy-Doo comes for a visit one day and I just knew that boy was hyped up on something.  It wasn’t long until I was mixing ‘roids with dexies.”

One of the most accomplished television stars of any generation had resorted to performance enhancing drugs to further his career.  A lifetime of humiliating cowardice had finally forced the star to find a new means to strength, success and ultimately courage.

“Every day, every day I’m running away from these ghosts.  Miner 49’er, the Kelp Monster, the Wax Phantom.  You name it, I was running from it.  What burned me even more is that we’ve got these non-athletic actors keeping up with me during the chase.”

One particular moment stood out to Scooby. 

“I’m running through this candy factory one day, trying to get away from some cotton candy globs.  I’m panting like crazy man, and just really dragging.  I give a quick look over my shoulder and who’s keeping up with me?  Mama freakin’ Cass.  How is that even possible I thought?  Woman runs a candy factory, I swear I just saw her eating a ham sandwich, and she’s right behind me?!”

Doo’s long-time friend, Norville”Shaggy” Rogers, refused to comment on the situation, but did submit a press release with his thoughts. It read succinctly, “Zoinks!”

Scooby-Doo, Barry Bonds, and steroids.  Sports, entertainment, and performance enhancing drugs, forever entwined in an age where there truly are few heroes that our children can look up to.  And that Scooby-Doo, that’s a fact.

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