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Jan
2008
Publicist: “Owens Was Not Crying”
By Aaron Weaver
In a surprising turn of events, Kim Etheridge, publicist of Terrell Owens released a statement today claiming that the superstar receiver did not cry during a post-game press conference after the Cowboys’ loss on Sunday.
“My client would never cry at a press conference,” Etheridge said, “It’s just not in his nature.”
Etheridge went on to say that Owens is highly sensitive; not to playoff losses, but to “chopped onions.”
“There is a Subway restaurant located directly below his podium,” Etheridge claimed. “They we’re cutting onions, most likely preparing for the, uh, post-game sandwich rush,” she said.
Etheridge added that the insulation between the two floors is very weak and the onion fumes had most likely risen through the ceiling and caused the immediate physical reaction.
“They were red onions,” she said.
Quoting a report by NASA scientists, she claimed that red onions are up to four times stronger than regular white onions, while the fumes are far more anti-gravitational. “The red onions’ strength and speed of ascension, combined with the flimsy ceiling, left my client virtually helpless against the fumes.”
This is not the first time that Owens has been bailed out of a potentially reputation-ruining incident. Last year, early police reports stated that a hospitalized Owens had tried to commit suicide by overdosing on painkillers.
“The suicide allegations are absolutely untrue,” said Etheridge the following day. “My client would never do that, it’s just not in his nature.”
The medical reports indicated that Owens had taken almost six times the recommended dosage of his medication, while mixing it with other medications.
“Terrell accidentally mixed his pills and then he accidentally took 37 of them in one night,” Etheridge said. “Miscalculations happen all of the time, even star athletes make mistakes.”
Whether it was a mistake or not, Etheridge says she is outraged and plans on suing Texas Stadium for negligence and then she plans on suing several newspapers for defamation of character. “I don’t know what kind of world we live in, where every time a tear comes out of a man’s eye, everyone assumes he is crying.”
Owens was not available for comment.
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