Lame Sports

Novel Solution to the BCS Mess

By Victor Li

In an unprecedented move, the organizers of the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) have proposed a radical solution to their current system; a system of determining a national champion in college football that has engendered nothing but controversy year-in and year-out.

Every year, there’s one or two teams that feel like they’ve been deprived of a chance to play for the national championship through no fault of their own,” John Swofford, the new coordinator of the Bowl Championship Series stated.

Swofford pointed to 2000-2001 when Miami was ranked #2 in the polls but was passed over for the BCS Title Game in favor of Florida State, to 2001-2002 when Nebraska was #4 in the polls but #2 in the BCS, and to 2003-2004 when USC, LSU, and Oklahoma all went undefeated.

This season’s title game featured a two-loss team (LSU) and a team that went from #5 to #1 over the span of two weeks despite not playing a single game during that time.  At season’s end, both Georgia and USC could make a case that they were as good or better than LSU and deserved a shot at the national championship.

This was the single most unpredictable season in college football history,” Swofford continued.

“There were three or four teams that all had a legitimate shot at the national championship.  Without a playoff, we’ll always be left with the same nagging questions about who is the legitimate champion of college football.  However, due to sustained opposition from certain quarters, a playoff is about as likely as Bobby Petrino and Nick Saban staying put at their current positions.”

Without a playoff, or even a less expansive “plus-one” addition to the current BCS system, the current BCS system will continue to generate controversy amongst college football pundits and fans.  Swofford believes that big-time changes are needed, but, because his hands are tied by the conferences who want to keep the BCS format intact as-is, his options are limited. One possible solution, however, came to Swofford while flipping channels during a commercial break in the BCS Title Game on Monday night.

“I turned to WWE Monday Night RAW and I immediately hit upon a brilliant idea. They were advertising a three-way match between “The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels, “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton, and some giant Samoan guy who couldn’t speak English. That always confused me. I’ve been to Samoa before. They don’t live in trees or take turns hitting each other over the head with clubs. They’re regular people like you and me. Weird. Anyway, it hit me like a steel chair. Why not have a three-way football game?”

The logistics of a three-way football game have yet to be determined, however Swofford indicated that it would be a wildly-entertaining free-for-all that could change the way football is played forever.

For instance, all three teams would be on the field at the same time. One team would be on offense, one team would be on defense, and one team would alternate between both roles, confusing both sides as to what side of the ball they were really on. One team could distract the referees while the others cheated. One team could break up a score, knowing that it could cost them the game.  The possibilities are endless.

“Look,” Swofford opined. “The line between pro wrestling and football is getting narrower every day. Football is getting more and more violent.  Players are showboating and talking trash in ways that would make The Rock blush.  Pacman Jones even went into pro wrestling during his suspension from the NFL.  This is the next logical step.  Plus, we can finally put those nagging doubts to rest.  We’ll finally know who is the real champion.”

To spice things up, Swofford is considering erecting a giant cage over the field and allowing teams to use steel chairs, ladders, brass knuckles, tazers, and leather straps from either Texas or the Carribean. 

“We’re open to suggestions,” Swofford indicated. “The Royal Rumble is coming up soon. We might just throw all 25 ranked teams onto the field and see who’s left standing.”

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