Lame Sports

NHL Enacts ‘No Blood, No Foul’ Policy

By Tyler Hinman

The National Hockey League, still trying to regain popularity after a labor dispute cancelled the 2004-05 season, announced a major change to the rules today.  From this point forward, a player will not sent to the penalty box unless he draws an opponent’s blood.

“This will make the game of hockey more compelling viewing for fans new and old,” said beaming commissioner Gary Bettman at today’s press conference.  “We’ve removed all those chintzy infractions that, frankly, just confuse the fans. Like interference.  I mean, what the hell is that?  I thought the point of defense was to interfere.”

When asked how the rule change would affect scoring, Bettman nonchalantly replied, “Who cares? When you see a huge guy get knocked on his ass by a vicious check, are you thinking about the score?  That’s what I thought.”

NHL players reacted with concern about their safety on the ice.  Anaheim Ducks right wing Todd Bertuzzi said, “If there are fewer penalties, guys are going to be able to get away with a lot more.  A LOT more.  And I think you know what that means.”  Bertuzzi then laughed maniacally.

Bettman though, is apparently unconcerned, ”If there’s blood, there will be a penalty.  What more do you nancies want?”

Rumors persist that Bettman is negotiating with Ultimate Fighting Championship to bring octagonal cages into NHL arenas for players who wish to fight for real.  For now though, he is excited about the new brand of hockey.

“Everyone always praises the toughness of NHL players. Now that we’ve brought street rules to the ice, we’ll see how manly they really are.”

“That’s how we roll,” he concluded.

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