Lame Sports

L.T. Reveals Reasons for Quitting

By Victor Li

With his team fighting for a birth in the Super Bowl against the mighty, undefeated New England Patriots, San Diego’s best player was nowhere to be seen.  LaDainian Tomlinson, the All-Pro running back and the leading rusher in the NFL, was seated squarely on the bench, stoically staring at the field behind the visor of his helmet.  Many people have wondered how it was possible that the best running back in the NFL could possibly sit out a game of this magnitude.  Was he injured?   Was he quitting on his team?   Was he afraid of failure?   Was he in awe of Tom Brady’s sexiness?  Until now, we’ve only been able to speculate as to the reason why LT sat out for most of the AFC Title Game. 

Now, LT finally speaks and reveals the real reason why he took himself out of the game after only a few offensive plays.  “I was wasted out of my mind.  Hookers, coke, and booze are a bad combination.  My head was throbbing.  I couldn’t feel my hands.  My feet felt like they weighed 500 pounds each.  It wasn’t my MCL at all.  In fact, it was completely numb.  I guess that’s one good thing about all the drugs.  But still, I could barely see straight during the game and I knew I had nothing.  I’ll never do that again.”

As shocking as this revelation is, even more surprising is how the normally straitlaced Tomlinson managed to procure said hookers and drugs in the first place.  Tomlinson was quick to reveal his source.  “It was Lawrence Taylor.  The original LT.”

Taylor, who was notorious for such tactics during his playing days, was apparently angry about Tomlinson using Taylor’s “LT” nickname.  Tomlinson said that he heard a knock on the door of his hotel room and opened the door to find 4 or 5 scantily clad women, each holding a bag of cocaine.  There was a giant card that read: “Compliments of the original LT.” At first, Tomlinson tried to resist, but ultimately, his struggle was in vain.  “I couldn’t resist the temptation,” Tomlinson recounted.  “I figured that if Hollywood Henderson could play while completely wasted, then I could as well.  I guess I was wrong.”

Tomlinson also explained another mystery that surrounded his sudden benching, namely, why did he keep his helmet, complete with visor on while he was sitting on the bench?  “Man, my pupils were dilated and my eyes were bloodshot.  If I had taken off my helmet, then everyone would have seen just how wasted I was.  I looked like Nick Nolte in his mug shot.”

When reached for comment, Taylor shrugged and simply stated, “If you can’t take the heat, then stay out of the kitchen.  Tomlinson thought he could take my nickname, but he couldn’t live up to the demands that came with it.  Shoot.  Five hookers and some blow?  That’s a slow night for me!  He may be Lawrence Taylor’s equal on the field, but off the field?  He’s not even the equal of James Taylor.  No, wait a minute.  James Taylor was a rock star, so he probably had a drug problem.  Okay, Elizabeth Taylor.  No, wait a minute.  She was clearly on something when she married David Gest.  Okay, Taylor Hanson.  Nah, he probably got a lot of ass back when Hanson was big.  Man, this is tough.  I need to slow down.”

Taylor, however, admitted that he would have done the same thing to Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes had Tynes tried to use the nickname “LT” as well.  “That’s my nickname.  I don’t care what team you play for.  That’s my name,” Taylor maintained.  “It wasn’t an issue, though.  No one refers to Tynes as ‘LT.’ After all, no one cares about kickers unless they’re named Vinatieri.”

© LameSports.net