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IOC Elects to Hold Separate Olympics for Dopers

By Carol Pearson 

Tired of having to sort through countless tests, not to mention the appeals by athletes and press conferences by various parties, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has developed a new way to deal with the doping issue.  The new system will be tried out in the 2008 Summer Olympics, with a possible 2010 Winter Games trial depending on how things go this year. 

Basically, the system involves splitting athletes according to categories.  There will now be two Olympic Games: one for clean athletes and one for those who choose to use various prohibited substances.  A senior IOC spokeswoman explains, “We feel that by giving doped-up athletes their own venue, we can keep the ‘main event’ clean.  Those who want to use drugs have the right to do so now, they will just compete in different games.”

A member of the IOC Accounting Team added, “Some people may be wondering about the costs involved in running two separate events.  Well, think of all the money saved on lab tests and lab technicians.  Not to mention the housecleaning in the IOC Legal Department.”

The IOC Legal Department was, at first, not thrilled to hear this last comment, but as one lawyer pointed out, “We were the ones who came up with this idea, so I suppose we have no one to blame but ourselves.”

For the time being, both sets of athletes will compete in the same locations, but the non-drug users will compete first, as it is believed those who use performance-enhancing substances can probably stay up later.  In the future, the IOC has indicated the possibility of using different locations as well.  “We will just have to see how it goes,” said the spokeswoman.

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