Lame Sports

Indiana State Legislature Approves I-465 Racing Bill

By Carol Pearson

Back in 1997, the Indiana State Legislature actually held a vote as to whether or not to make the lightning bug, or firefly depending on your preference, the state insect.  It appears they have finally decided to move beyond this exercise in futility and vote instead on whether the daily commuters on I-465 can be allowed to race each other to and from work, thereby freeing up tax-dollars that would normally be spent on police officers who issue speeding tickets.

For the first time ever, representatives from all parties agreed unanimously that this was only a slightly harebrained idea that just might work. 

“I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner,” said Governor Mitch Daniels.  “Every one who drives on I-465 acts like they’re on the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, so we might as well have them compete like they are on the famed track.” 

Vern Jacobson, an employee for the Indiana Department of Transportation who has been put in charge of the initiative, is also thrilled with the vote.  “Obviously, since this is a daily race, we can’t have a big million dollar prize for every one who wins,” he explains. “Instead, we are going to run this like the Tour de France.  Every day there will be a winner who will get a lottery scratch-off ticket, and at the end of the year we will look over the cumulative times and see who gets the ultimate guaranteed $10,000 prize for the year.  Naturally, the winnings will all be pre-tax.”

As is often the case with the mixing of politics and sports, however, there are two sides to this story.  The Indiana State Police, Indiana Police Department, and Marion County Sheriff’s Department disagreed with the vote.  “We are not too thrilled,” said an IPD officer who asked to remain anonymous.  “What about the safety issues?  I mean, sure it makes our job easier, but the governor seems to be forgetting that the Indiana Department of Transportation only owns one snowplow and two salt trucks. Not to mention that only one driver in the state is qualified to drive both types of vehicles, so this could create a huge problem in icy weather.”

Jacobson takes issue with this fear.  “Since when have crappy road conditions stopped most of us from racing on I-465?  I personally have clocked 100mph through a flooded construction zone during a tornado. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  And where there’s an interstate circling a city in Indiana, there’s a race.” 

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