Lame Sports

Coach Speak?

By Michael Maynard

The games are simple. You run the ball, you throw the ball, you tackle the opponent running the ball. You dribble the ball, you shoot the ball, you rebound missed shots. You pitch the ball, you hit the ball, you run the bases, you catch the ball. You skate, you carry the puck, you pass the puck and you shoot the puck. The sport played is basically the same from the little leagues to the colleges and pros.  Right?

Not if you ask any professional or collegiate coach. If they honestly describe the games played, you would get them to say the sentences above.  However, the coaches have to build up the perceived complexity of what they do in order to justify their multimillion dollar contracts.  So the coaching fraternities have to develop their own lingo, their own terminologies. Then they use these new terms talking to the players, press and commentators to have them propagate this language to the public. And it’s all about enhancing their image as masters of complexity of these really simple sports to justify their pay.

The latest term is ball security.  No, it doesn’t mean wearing a jockstrap or not letting Jonathan Papelbon (and his dog) get the World Series final out baseball.  In football coach jargon, it means your team not giving the opposing team the ball via fumble, interception or kick block. I’m sure that we’ll soon get basketball coach’s ball security meaning no turnovers or other team’s steals.  In baseball, it will probably be used to replace errors and passed balls.

Here are the 10 other terms commonly used that drive me crazy:

We control our own destiny - Nearly all pro coaches are college graduates and are presumed to having taken English 101.  If they did, they should know that destiny means the inevitable fate of what will happen in the future. No coach or player knows their teams’ destiny. If they did, then why play the game?

Making plays - William Shakespeare made plays. Neil Simon makes plays. Peyton Manning throws the football accurately. Enough said.

True Freshman - Is the opposite of true freshman, a false freshman? No, either the student-athlete is a freshman or a redshirt freshman. In some colleges, the player isn’t really a freshman; he’s a pro because of the generosity of the college’s boosters.

Competing - That’s the purpose of all games, to compete against the opposition, time or Jeff’s Gordon’s car ahead of you. Compete is a verb, not an adverb. “My team was competing hard today.” is said by the losing coach. Coach, your players are supposed to be competing. If they aren’t, pack your suitcase in preparation for a fast, final trip out of town.

College Career - If the player is receiving cash for playing, then he/she has a career. If they are not getting paid, they have one, two, three or four years of playing. Athletes have careers AFTER college.

Running Downhill - Assuming the athlete is playing football, not skiing, and the playing field is level, then it is physically impossible to be running downhill, Devon Hester included. Either you’re run straight ahead or running left or right.  If the running back is tackled in the backfield, does this mean he’s running uphill?

In space - Neil Armstrong walked in space, but  no football player runs in space. They may be running in the open field, like Devon Hester does often and well, but even Hester is bounded by gravity.

Bigs - It was bad enough that NBA coaches changed the names of the different positions on their team from point guard, shooting guard, small forward, power forward and center to 1-2-3-4-5. Now they have taken to calling the power forward and center (a/k/a 4 and 5) as bigs. I doubt they are doing this in memory of Biggie Smalls. Bob Lanier, center for the Detroit Pistons and Hall-of-Fame member was big. He was 6′ 11″ and around 275 lbs. He also wore a size 22 extra wide sneakers, which are also in the Hall-of-Fame. Bob Lanier was big but not a big.

Productive out - Baseball managers generally don’t create many new terms, but the term productive out is increasingly used. It means that the batter has made an out, but in the process has helped a base runner advance a base. Typically this means a sacrifice fly or hitting the ball to the right side so that the runner goes from second base to third. Since they have taken at bats that are important parts of playing baseball correctly, then do we have to measure each batter’s cumulative productivity? Is a batter who hits a home run with a runner on second more productive than hitting a ground ball to second base? Of course. There are 27 outs in a 9 inning game. A “productive out”means the team has given up 3.7% of its total outs when getting a base hit usually would score the runner and not give up 3.7% in the process.

Left it all on the field - Relative of ‘competing’, left it all on the field means that the team has played with maximum effort, but has lost. When I’m paying $100 to $250 for a ticket, I would expect the team to leave it all on the field, contact lenses and teeth notwithstanding.

Yes, I am a sports troglodyte, but how the games are described and discussed are almost as important as the games themselves. Let’s not have to start watching the games needing a sports dictionary to translate what’s being said into sports English.

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