Lame Sports

Celtics to Sign T-Pain

By Thomas Mundt 

BOSTON, MA -  Celtics Director of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge announced Monday that the franchise is close to finalizing a deal with R&B sensation T-Pain, with the crooner expected to join the squad before next week’s 10-game West Coast swing.  The terms of the deal are thus far undisclosed.

“I was elated when we were able to snatch up Kevin (Garnett) and Ray (Allen) in the offseason, and I’m even more pleased today,” gushed Ainge.  “I truly feel we now have a shot at accomplishing something really, really special this season.”

Head coach Doc Rivers applauded the move, insisting that Pain is a welcomed addition to a Celts squad already packed with elite talent. 

“Will we have to figure out ways to share the rock more efficiently?  No question,” explained Rivers.  “But remember- while we clearly have three All-Stars in KG, Paul, and Ray Ray, we’ve been glaringly inconsistent in the sex jam department all season.”

“Plus,” added Rivers, “this guy’s versatile.  I mean, a guy that’s got range, hustles on the defensive end, and tends bar?  Forget about it.”

While the unorthodox acquisition has been widely praised throughout the league, some players, coaches, and front-office types have their doubts.

“Fine- let teams sign whomever they please,” grumbled Chicago Bulls GM John Paxson.  “Want Tom Petty?  Done.  Michael McDonald?  Done.  Hell, get the Oak Ridge Boys on the horn.  See what I care.”

Pain’s publicist was unavailable for comment, citing the pending deal.  Pain issued a statement using his signature vocoder device late Monday, however, his enthusiasm palpable.

“Got a brand new girl, so I’m feeling all good inside,” stated Pain.  “Feel like I put some brand new 24’s on a brand new ride.”
When asked how he could best contribute to a team already on pace to a 70-win season, the Grammy-nominated artist exuded confidence.

“I’mma buy you a drank,” said Pain.  “Then I’mma take you home with me.  I got money in the bank.  Shawty, what you think ‘bout that?”

A source close to the league confirmed late Monday that Detroit and Orlando have spoken with a number of Pain’s peers, including Chris Brown, Jaheim, and Ne-Yo, in an effort to keep pace in increasingly-competitive Eastern Conference.

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