Lame Sports

Van Gundy Rejoins Heat, ‘Now That They’re Crap Again’

By Rusty Weiss

In what league executives are calling a stunning turn of events, the Miami Heat have re-signed their former coach, Stan Van Gundy, to a new contract.

Owner Micky Arison indicated that it was time to make the change by saying, “It was only fitting that since Pat Riley took over a championship caliber team, a team that Van Gundy essentially built a few years ago, that we should bring him back now that Pat has buried the team into a pile of crap. It’s like the circle of life.”

Van Gundy was most recently coaching the Orlando Magic, and had led them to a very respectable 18-11 record. News of the coup was met with astonishment, as it was thought that the Magic had locked in their head coach with a four-year, $12 million dollar contract.

Van Gundy is certainly no stranger to strange scenarios and shocking stories when it comes to his career. During the 2005 season, it was speculated that Riley was essentially trying to run Van Gundy out of a job. And, as if on cue, he resigned his post on December 12th, saying that he wanted to spend more time with his family.

Said Van Gundy, “I’ve done all I can do with my family. I took a destitute wife and children, built them up as best I could through draft picks and some off-season acquisitions, and feel that I have led them to a better place. It’s time for me to move on.”

His wife Kim put it bluntly, “Yea, every time we had discussed another child, Stan would come into the bedroom and shout ‘Time to scout some new draft picks!’ and dive onto the mattress. It was kind of nauseating. Don’t even ask me what he meant when he started talking about the ‘Triangle Offense’ in bed. But hey, we do have four lovely kids.”

Citing the stress of a family man schedule, Van Gundy vowed that this stint would be different, “It was tough. It’s tough being a family guy. You work 18 hour days sometimes. I’d go in at five in the morning and review tape of the previous day’s bus ride with the kids, we’d have meetings until nine, practices and homework drills all afternoon, not to mention dinner time and diagramming the Xs and Os to send the kids off to bed. The stress was brutal. I never had any time for coaching. What kind of life is that?”

Meanwhile, the Heat have been stumbling their way to an 8-20 record, good enough for worst in the Eastern Conference. A change might do the team some good.

While details of the contract were not available at the time of this printing, Micky Arison did give Lame Sports a clue as to the length of the contract.

Arison said, “We expect to have Stan around for a very long time, many seasons, of course. Or until he starts winning again, and Pat forces him out so he can take all the credit.”

Riley predictably had no comment.

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