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Dec
2007
Steroids
By David Gignilliat
Enough of the Mitchell Report already. OK, so a ton of guys took steroids and HGH and had needles stuck in their butts by other grown men. I’m ready to move on. Give it a break for a little bit. It’s been a tough enough sports year already. Cheating here, cheating there, cheating everywhere.
Marion Jones. Former Olympian, and cheater. Floyd Landis. Son of Mennonites, … and probably a cheater. Tim Donaghy. Part of a NBA gambling ring. And a cheater. NASCAR teams using jet fuel. Cheating again. Actually pretty cool, except for the whole flammability thing.
It’s hard to pick up a sports page anymore without reading about someone trying to get one over on the system. But, alas, 2007 will be over soon, and we have a lot to look forward to in 2008.
Let’s imagine for a second what type of cheating headlines will grace sports pages in 2008.
(These are all fictional, of course. Please don’t sue me. I can’t afford it)
Billiards: “The Billiards Congress of America, the governing body for all cue sports, is investigating allegation that several players have been using “corked” cue sticks and have been doctoring cue tips to provide extra “masse” on shots …”
Chess: “In an ongoing effort to win the battle of man vs. machine, developers are suspected of planting grand master Garry Kasparov inside IBM’s Deep Blue supercomputer …”
Figure Skating: “After having exhausted every possible way to cheat, figure skaters have issued a collective official statement, ‘We have decided to finally give up. Knee-capping and judge-bribing just didn’t work,’ said former Olympian…”
Spelling Bee: “In a shocking turn of events, the 2008 Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee champ will have to yield his title after FBI wire taps revealed that the contestant used his I-Phone to look up word origins on Dictionary.Com. Investigators are also exploring accusations that several judges have been making up words that don’t exist …”
Texas Hold ‘Em: “Several World Series of Poker participants will have to vacate their championship title and WSOP bracelets as a Las Vegas reporter unearthed widespread use of X-ray glasses during competition …”
Sport Fishing: “The 11-event Bassmaster Elite Series will be canceled due to widespread fish doping allegations against several top-ranked anglers, many of whom are suspected of coating their lures with Prozac to make the fish docile …”
Presidential Debates: Pundits have accused several prominent candidates of having questioners “planted” in the audience during the debates, armed with ‘softball’ questions that are easy to answer …”
Are we sure cheating isn’t the true American pastime?
David Gignilliat can be reached at uvadavidg@gmail.com, that is when he is not cheating at board games with little kids.
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