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Dec
2007
Some Steelers Guy Guarantees Victory
By Rusty Weiss
The AP is reporting that somebody who apparently plays football for the Pittsburgh Steelers has guaranteed a win against the undefeated New England Patriots this week. The Patriots are making a bid at history, trying to become the first team ever to go 16-0 in an NFL season.
Despite interviewing several members of the team, no one was able to identify the source of the guarantee.
Steelers defensive end Brett Keisel said, “I think he might play for us, but I can’t be sure. Maybe he’s just the laundry guy.”
When reached for comment, Jeremy Bolding, head of Laundering Technician Services, humbly stated, “The only thing I guarantee around here is that I’ll get our whites whiter.”
Rumors of the player’s identification have been swirling throughout the Steelers locker room. The most prominent of which has pointed to their starting free safety as the culprit.
When asked who the starting free safety was, head coach Mike Tomlin admitted, “You know, I don’t really remember his name. He only became a starter because Ryan Clark lost his spleen in late October.”
He continued, “I always assumed he’d do something out on the field to make me remember his name, but it never happened. I think we drafted him out of
Delving deeper into the mystery yielded few answers.
Otto the
Steelers linebacker James Farrior philosophized, “I don’t know who he is, or where he is. He’s like that little Waldo dude. Where is he? Is that him? Nope, it’s just a barber shop pole. Is that him over there? Nope, candy cane. It’s like he just doesn’t exist.”
Farrior continued, “Whoever the hell he is, we’ve got his back come Sunday. But I wish he’d just shut up.”
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