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Selig Announces National League Will be Renamed ‘American League Lite’

By Rusty Weiss

With the announcement of yesterday’s blockbuster deal between the Detroit Tigers and the Florida Marlins, came more surprising news from the Commissioner’s Office. Bud Selig has announced that the National League will officially be renamed ‘American League Lite.’

Yesterday’s trade sends Florida Marlin stars Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to the Detroit Tigers in exchange for a package of six players.

Selig stated, “This has been a long time coming. Talent has been far stronger in the American League for nearly a decade now, and we simply cannot ignore the trend.”

He went even further, “Look at the NL. Their biggest signing this off season was a manager that the Yankees no longer wanted, Joe Torre. Meanwhile the Tigers are signing Cabrera and Willis, the Sox and Yankees are vying for Johan Santana, the Angels get Torii Hunter, and the NL gets a 67 year old managerial retread.”

Unprompted, Selig also got the following statement off his chest, “They still allow their pitchers to step up to the plate for cryin’ out loud. No pitcher in that league has been able to swing a bat since Orel Hershiser. And how intimidating is it to pitch to a guy named Orel?”

The move would seem to be an insult to the National League but it is well founded. The American League has not lost to their counterparts in the annual All-Star game in 11 consecutive years. They have also been dominating interleague play for several years.

Joe Torre offered his analysis of his Dodgers sitting idly by while the already dominant AL continues to strengthen their rosters.

“Crap,” he said.

One Florida Marlins fan had a more poignant analysis following news of his team’s trade.

Russell Aguilar, a barber shop owner from Miami Gardens said, “This seriously blows. Seems like every other year they’re talking about a fire-sale with the Marlins.”

Aguilar was then asked about building for the future, “Prospects? Who cares about prospects? Prospect is just another term for ‘these guys suck now but might be better in the future.’ And what will we do when they’re better? We’ll trade them to a real team like the Yankees or Red Sox.”

Wayne Huizenga, owner of the Florida Marlins, tried to put a positive spin on the move.

“Things could be worse. Just imagine being the guy who owns the Miami Dolphins. Er, actually, forget about that last comment,” he said.

The American League will be gunning for their 11^th consecutive win in the All-Star game (barring the tie in 2002) when they face the American League Lite at Yankee Stadium on July 15, 2008.

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