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Dec
2007
Papelbon’s Dog Confirms his Owner is an Idiot
By Nick Maloney
Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon’s dog confirmed in a conference call Friday that his owner is indeed a moron.
The dog, Boss, is accused of devouring the ball, who goes by the name Herby, that in play during the final out in the Boston’s 2007 World Series victory over the Colorado Rockies.
“What does he expect? I’m a friggin’ dog. Last time I checked dogs love anything round, let alone something made from raw hide. If he ever got me a chew toy once in my life we wouldn’t even be having this conversation,” Boss said in a conference call.
Papelbon did not deny his part in the downfall of the heralded ball.
“Yeah it was probably my fault. I was too busy working on my ‘Riverdance’ moves for the playoffs next year. It sucks, that ball was getting me a lot of action. [Jason] Varitek should’ve handed it so someone with the brains to take care of it,” the pitcher stated.
Varitek shot back, calling out the pitcher for his recklessness.
“If I had known he’d [Papelbon] be that careless with Herby I would’ve just called up Doug Mientkiewicz and shoved it down his throat to get him to shut up about his post-partum depression over the 2004 ball. That guy treated that thing like it had a vagina or something, my God. He took it out to dinner and stuff, showed it off. Rumor has it his wife got pretty jealous and told him it was her or the ball. He told her to pack her things, but then the Hall of Fame called,” Varitek said.
Reached for comment, Herby was at first too shaken share his thoughts.v
“He’s been through more than anyone can imagine,” his spokesman said, “He hasn’t spoken since it happened. We think the dog might have sexually assaulted him after he bit him beyond recognition. I was told they’re making a Law and Order: SVU episode about it. Those guys are shameless, they’ll do an episode about anything.”
Red Sox GM Theo Epstein confirmed that Herby will go through therapy and be reconditioned to as close to his original form as possible.
“Doctors say he needs skin grafts. All I can say to that is: ouch. His quality of life will probably be lower than that really smart paralyzed guy that talks like a computer. What’s his name, Stephen Hawking? Yeah, that guy,” Epstein said.
When asked if it was worth it, Herby left no doubt.
“You’re asking me if near death and having the media at my door 24 hours a day was worth being thrown at 96 miles per hour and then hidden in some guy’s jock for an entire night? What do you think Einstein? Get the f— out of my house!” he said.
The Red Sox organization is currently working to reunite Herby with his 2004 counterpart.
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