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Dec
2007
Gagne, Jones Cash in on Being Bad at Their Jobs
By Nick Maloney
Andruw Jones worst season in ten years earned him a 2-year, $36 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers this week for managing to hit .222, a whopping .22 points over the Mendoza line.
“That was really hard to do, that Mendoza guy must be good,” Jones said, “I feel like I earned every penny of this contract.”
Don’t you wish we lived in a world where you could be awful at your job and still get a huge raise like baseball players do?
“Johnson, we need to talk. You’re last in production in the company, you show up late and drunk constantly, leave early and sleep with co-workers every chance you get, so we just want you to know…we’re doubling your pay.”
He’s not the only one getting paid for putting up uglier numbers than you’d find on John Goodman’s cholesterol chart.
Eric Gagne signed a $10 million deal with the Milwaukee Brewers early Sunday after posting a 6.75 ERA in Boston in two months of work and a 4.60 ERA for the season.
Many feel his lack of production is due to continuous health problems since 2005 limiting him to 67.3 innings over the last three years. Others aren’t so sure.
“I think it has more to do with the fact that he’s Canadian,” said an unnamed American League General Manager.
Baseball salaries have become increasingly out of synch with performance, slightly above average players are now paid as top tier talent once was.
Former Yankees pitcher Jim Bouton once said, “”For a hundred years the owners screwed the players. For 25 years the players have screwed the owners - they’ve got 75 years to go.”
Based on the explosion of salaries in the last dozen years or so, professional baseball players will make enough money to buy their own countries. A-rod could probably already own a few Caribbean islands if he wanted.
I don’t think anyone will ever feel bad for an owner that lines his pockets with millions upon millions of dollars annually, but players salaries could not be more ridiculous. On top of their salaries players get upwards of $100 a day for food. That’s more than most people spend on food in a week. Obviously, most players just pocket it. But others use it to take their stripper girlfriends out on the town on road trips, like A-rod did so romantically on the front page of the New York Post.
Fewer and fewer players make it to free agency today, teams prefer to trade talent they know they can’t sign before the contract expires, keeping the number of high quality free agents on the market down. Therefore those with decent skills who make it to the open market are overpaid due to the watered down talent found on it.
Makes me wish I could get a pay raise for failing at my job eight out of ten times or allowing runners to round the bases every time I come into a game and get millions upon millions for doing it. Guess I better go grab a bat and glove. My paycheck’s waiting.
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