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Dec
2007
For Sake of Brevity, Mitchell Report Lists Those Who Didn’t Cheat
By Nick Maloney
In an unexpected turn, the reason the Mitchell Report has taken so long to come together was that former Senator George Mitchell was trying to find names in Major League Baseball not connected to steroid use.
To save a few thousand trees, Mitchell instead chose to list the names of those not attached to illegal use of drugs. The report is to be printed on a single index card, not needing the wide open spaces of a full piece of paper.
Jay Gibbons and Jose Guillen were both implicated in steroid use last week and suspended 15 games each. The determining factor for Gibbons being found out was his strikingly similar appearance to a horse.
“They say some of these drugs are used in horses, but I didn’t know it could make you look like such an ugly one. I have to be next to him in the field every day, looking at him gives my migraines,” said Orioles center fielder Corey Patterson.
In all 80 names were published in the report.
The names of Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Barry Bonds, Troy Glaus, Paul Lo Duca, Jason Giambi, Miguel Tejada, Mo Vaughn and many more appeared in the report.
George Steinbrenner’s wallet was also rumored to be on steroids.
“Everyone suspected Roger (Clemens). Talk about thunder-thighs, I don’t remember him being pregnant. There’s really no reason for him to fill out like that, maybe his ego went to his ass,” said Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.
Barry Bonds and his melon of a head were listed as well, to no one’s surprise.
Reached for comment, Bonds was found at his home rubbing a cream on his shoulders and arms. When asked what it was, Bonds replied “Crisco man, I swear! It helps keep my skin smooth. You know, from all the bacne I have from those ster- wait, get the hell out of here!”
There was much movement by a few players listed in the report in the days prior to its release.
Eric Gagne signed a one year $10-million deal with Milwaukee, Andy Pettitte finalized his one year $16-million deal with the New York Yankees and the Houston Astros sent five players to Baltimore in return for Miguel Tejada and all his used syringes.
The report cited clubhouse sources, including several trainers who worked with players personally.
It remains to be seen how much of the report has real truth behind it, how much is hearsay, and how much is drunken rambling by a senile senator who pulled names out of a hat.
Jeremy Giambi, brother of Jason Giambi, was also on the list. But just like a few years ago when he publicly admitted his use of illegal drugs, no one seemed to give a crap.
We’ll keep you updated as more players reputations are ruined.
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