Lame Sports

Clemens Waits for “More Appropriate Time and Way” to Discuss Mitchell Report Allegations

By Nick Maloney

Hey Rocket! We need to talk.

I used to like you, I really did. But your antics the past few seasons have gotten under my skin. You held the Yankees, Astros and Red Sox hostage for a half a season and made yourself bigger than your teammates when you upstaged them while they were in the middle of a game to announce your return.

Listen Roger, no disrespect, but you’re not bigger than baseball, and no one player ever will be. I was through with you then and frankly after the steroids bombshell I think calling Rosie O’Donnell feminine is more accurate than calling you honorable.

You released a statement through your agent today denying your use of HGH or steroids and put off further comment until a more appropriate time in a more appropriate way, while saying, “I only ask that in the meantime people not rush to judgment.”

Oh sure, take your time, sir. I’ll just sit here and twiddle my thumbs and watch Golden Girls re-runs while you figure out your next move. I’ll have no thoughts on this until you tell me what to think. Does that jive with you?

No thanks.

I won’t do it. Your “more appropriate time” was last week, and your “more appropriate way” was a press conference. That was your chance, but that train left the station long ago.

I’m evaluating your every move right now, as is everyone across the country. We have every right to be skeptical, you’re the only person on the list that has come out and denied these accusations so far. You mean to tell me you’re the only person that George Mitchell got wrong on the list, while you’re simultaneously the biggest name on it? I REALLY doubt they’d risk putting your name in there without some pretty hard evidence.

I have little reason to value your word over that of a raving hobo that talks to himself on a street corner. You’re not credible anymore. Your name was mentioned more than anyone else in The Mitchell Report this side of Jose Canseco. Seems like you’re in some bad company, eh?

For a man that loves the camera and the limelight as much as you do, Mr. Clemens, I find it hard to believe you couldn’t hold a press conference to defend yourself right away if you actually were innocent.

But you didn’t, and therefore my imagination will roam where it pleases. The longer I have to wait to hear from you personally, the less likely I’ll be to buy what you’re planning to sell.

You gave us 109 carefully scripted words on a piece of paper. Are you more politician or athlete? I’m having trouble deciding.
If I were falsely accused of committing a crime a scripted press release would be my last option. If I were accused of something that I actually did, it’d probably be my first.

Words on a page can’t show the real emotion that a face on a television can. For example, the words on this page can’t convey how little respect I have for you now, or how deeply I feel you’ve insulted baseball fans and their collective intelligence by being so unaccountable and evasive about the issue at hand.

You’re sheepishly hiding behind your agent like a kid hides behind his parents when a cop knocks on the door inquiring about the street sign that was stolen down the road. Disappearing from public view makes it seem like you have something to hide.
Speaking of which, has anyone seen Mark McGwire lately?

Andy Pettitte had it right; he came out and admitted he was guilty of using HGH, although I don’t really buy the whole two days of use story. But if you expect the public to believe that your best friend, the guy you train with consistently all offseason, the one that swayed you to choose New York over going back to Houston or Boston used HGH and you didn’t, you’re off your rocker.

Brian Roberts, Fernando Viña, F.P. Santangelo, Mark Carreon and Gary Bennett have also released statements admitting their guilt. Others have simply stayed quiet. No one has flatly denied the reports, except you.

This better be a fantastic press conference you’re putting together and making everyone wait for. I hope it doesn’t feel as scripted as your statement did.

In the meantime, until you determine your next move, I’ll spend my time trying to find an “appropriate time and an appropriate way” for you to regain America’s respect.

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