Lame Sports

Bobby Petrino is a Fanatical Garden Gnome & The Atlanta Falcons Are Blubbering, Talentless Babies

By David Bellard

Look at this guy. Let’s just focus on that first.

Bad Tie.

Garden Gnome.

Fanatical Zealot.

Ever dated someone who was seeing someone else at the time? They always say something like “I like you so much better. I’m going to leave him and be with you.” You think that whole thing is great. The idea that this person will inevitably leave you for someone else “better” does not even cross your fragile little mind.

This is the Falcon’s problem.

No foresight.

This is a copy of Petrino’s career over the past 15 years.

I got this from ESPN’s online website. Apparently, Arthur Blank and the rest of the Falcons do not have computers. The longest Bobby Petrino has stayed at a job in the last 15 years is 4 years.

Some have argued that Petrino’s exodus from the steadily sinking city of Atlanta was completely justified given the state of the teams’ players, future, and owner. Others have said that he is nothing but a quitter. A perennial quitter at that.

I’m of the latter opinion.

Before signing with the Falcons, Petrino had just agreed to a 10 year extension with his precious Louisville.

Then he bolted to Atlanta.

He has been known as a sort of nomad who cannot stay on one team without looking for the next one. Think of him as Larry Brown if Larry Brown didn’t focus on his current job.

The question becomes not why Petrino left, but why anyone is surprised by it.

The Atlanta Falcons can easily sit back and blame their horrible season(s) on situations like this. They already have. Owner Arthur Blank said he felt a “sense of betrayal.” He added that “trust was lost.”

This is not the first mistake that Blank and the Falcons have made with their team.

Drafting Michael Vick was a mistake. The Falcons could’ve drafted LaDainian Tomlinson, Steve Hutchinson, Richard Seymour, Santana Moss, Casey Hampton, Nate Clements, Will Allen, Reggie Wayne or Todd Heap.

Instead they chose the electrifying Mike Vick and all of his troubles. They gave him a record breaking contract. In return he scampered around like a bunny and overthrew receiver after receiver with laser beams through the uprights. He had the accuracy of Stevie Wonder in a dart throwing contest.

But the Falcons and the rest of the media continued to make excuses for him.

His lazy receivers drop a lot of passes and he has only been playing for a few years.

Then, as a thank you to the team, a failed drug test, a flipped bird to his hometown fans and an earth shattering felony dog fighting case that polarized the Falcons and their entire city. We all know how that turned out.

With Vick gone, Matt Schaub traded, and Joey Harrington as a starter, this relatively talentless team had to blame their troubles on somebody. That somebody became Bobby Petrino and rightly so. Widespread reports surfaced that he had completely lost his locker room and the pace of the game was too much for him. There was the pathetic DeAngelo Hall one half suspension. Hall couldn’t shut down his mouth or receivers this season. Players referred to Petrino as “just a college coach” during the season. Alge Crumpler was free to spout off whenever he felt like it. And the idea signing Byron Leftwich – a QB who possesses what might be the longest release in football – to play behind an offensive line that provides no time whatsoever. There were more stories that came out, but the essential point is that the players used him as a shield for their own inadequacies.

The Falcons quit before the season began and adopted the theory that their season was going to be sub par without Michael Vick. Did Harrington really have that bad of a season behind an offensive line worse than the Kansas City Chiefs? 7 TDs to 8 Interceptions with a 61.8% completion percentage. A QB rating of 77.2. Compare that to Vick’s numbers from last year. 20 TDs to 13 Interceptions with a 52.6% completion percentage. A QB rating of 75.7%.

I know Michael Vick was important to his team, but not in the MVP way that Favre, Manning and Brady are to theirs.

It seems like they are now siding with Mike Vick and going against Petrino. Anybody see White’s “Free Mike Vick” antics on Monday Night Football? This is a better tactic. If your team is bad because one player is missing-you are a bad team. If you’re a team whose coach is horribly weighing you down-you may still have a job next year.

Atlanta Falcons players:

Out of my respect for you, I am letting you know that, with a heavy heart, I resigned today as head coach of the Atlanta Falcons. This decision was not easy, but it was made in the best interests of me and my family. While my desire would have been to finish out what has been a difficult season for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate your hard work and wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Bobby Petrino.

Did that girl we spoke about earlier ever send you a note like that? I think she might have.

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