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Dec
2007
Van Gundy Rejoins Heat, ‘Now That They’re Crap Again’
By Rusty Weiss
In what league executives are calling a stunning turn of events, the Miami Heat have re-signed their former coach, Stan Van Gundy, to a new contract.
(7 votes, average: 4.43 out of 5)
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Dec
2007
Steroids
By David Gignilliat
Enough of the Mitchell Report already. OK, so a ton of guys took steroids and HGH and had needles stuck in their butts by other grown men. I’m ready to move on. Give it a break for a little bit. It’s been a tough enough sports year already. Cheating here, cheating there, cheating everywhere.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...27
Dec
2007
Quixotica Fantasy Baseball
By David K. Gignilliat
As the smoke slowly clears from the explosive Mitchell Report and baseball detoxes its game during a turbulent offseason, it will soon be time for preparation for the 2008 fantasy baseball season. After all, everything begins anew each year in baseball. New players will join new teams. New rookies and sleepers will rise into the consciousness of fantasy owners. New trash will be talked and new crow will be eaten. New leagues will be joined and new draft sheets will be reviewed. New fantasy titles will be won and defended. In the spirit of novelty and rebirth, I propose some new words and phrases to be introduced into the fantasy baseball lexicon in 2008.
(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5) Loading ...24
Dec
2007
Papelbon’s Dog Confirms his Owner is an Idiot
By Nick Maloney
Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon’s dog confirmed in a conference call Friday that his owner is indeed a moron.
The dog, Boss, is accused of devouring the ball, who goes by the name Herby, that in play during the final out in the Boston’s 2007 World Series victory over the Colorado Rockies.
(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...24
Dec
2007
Clemens Waits for “More Appropriate Time and Way” to Discuss Mitchell Report Allegations
By Nick Maloney
Hey Rocket! We need to talk.
(4 votes, average: 3.75 out of 5) Loading ...24
Dec
2007
Tom Jackson Guns Down Chris Berman
By Victor Li
Bristol, CT — ESPN Headquarters is reeling over a stunning tragedy that occurred today. Longtime commentator and ESPN personality, Chris Berman, was gunned down in a bizarre and senseless act of violence. The culprit was his broadcast partner and on-air sidekick, Tom Jackson. Jackson, better known as “TJ,” opened fire at approximately 1:00 this morning, right after doing a live NFL-recap segment known as the “NFL Blitz.” According to sources at ESPN, Jackson stormed off the set, shaking his head and muttering “I can’t take it. I can’t take it anymore!” After a few minutes passed, he returned with his M-16 assault rifle and began to open fire at Berman. Jackson then shouted out: “That’s what you get for repeating the same jokes over and over again! All right?! If I have to hear you sing ‘My Sharona’ one more time whenever Rob Bironas hits a field goal, or hear you do a terrible rendition of ‘Mony Mony’ whenever Lawrence Maroney made a big play for New England, then I’ll go crazy! How does it feel, Chris?! Want to sing ‘San Diego… Super Chargers!!’ for me? Want to sing ‘If I Only Had a Brain’ whenever Marc Bulger throws a TD pass? Or talk about the New York Football Giants? Do they play in the Big Sombrero? Are they taking on the Rrrraaaiders? Huh? What do you say now, huh?”
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...19
Dec
2007
Get Well Soon Dickie V
By Rob Dauster
It’s a cold night late in February. The college basketball regular season is winding down. With each and every game played, conference championships, NCAA tournament bids, and #1 seeds are all on the line. The fiercest rivalries are on display on national television on a nightly basis. Twelve young men, themselves still college kids, are playing not only for themselves – their pride, their wins, their championships – but for the most prestigious and well-known universities in out country, and the coaches, students, and thousands of fans nationwide that live and die with every shot. With March Madness on the horizon, no other time of year is better than this in the sports world. And is there any game in which all of this more evident than the annual Duke –
(7 votes, average: 4.86 out of 5) Loading ...17
Dec
2007
Bobby Petrino’s Wife: “That’s Not the Only Thing He’s Left Unfinished”
By Rusty Weiss
The man who recently left the Atlanta Falcons in the middle of his first season, a man who once signed a ten-year contract to coach the Louisville Cardinals and then left them for the NFL less than a year later, has a very similar lifestyle his wife recently revealed.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...17
Dec
2007
No Moral Victories
By Jason Levy
In sports, and competition in general, there are no moral victories. No matter how close the final score is and no matter how good a team may look, all losses count the same. And they all hurt. The New York Jets 20-10 loss to the New England Patriots on Sunday was a slow burn, at least from the perspective of the green ‘n’ white.
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...17
Dec
2007
Dolphins Win, Set to Make Run for Super Bowl
Nick Maloney
The mighty Miami Dolphins knocked off the Baltimore Ravens yesterday to improve their record to 1-13 on the season. The team was feeling the confidence from the 22-16 overtime victory.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...17
Dec
2007
Fallout from the Mitchell Report
By Victor Li
So, did the Mitchell Report live up to the hype? Aside from the dirt that came out about Clemens and a good portion of the Yankees clubhouse, the Mitchell Report was somewhat of a disappointment. I guess that’s to be expected, since Mitchell was stonewalled by the players at almost every turn. He had some stuff to go on (like the BALCO scandal and the Grimsley investigation), and some things fell into his lap as a result of ongoing federal investigations (Kirk Radomski, Brian McNamee, the Signature Pharmacy Investigation). Otherwise, he was drawing dead. Mitchell even admitted that this list hardly even constituted a drop in the bucket as far as determining how many major leaguers were on some kind of performance enhancing drug.
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5) Loading ...17
Dec
2007
Go Crazy! Oklahoma Wins ESPNU Make Believe BCS Playoff
By Nick Maloney
“Oklahoma just won the national championship!”
“No they didn’t. That was made up.”
“Crap… “
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...17
Dec
2007
Bobby Petrino is a Fanatical Garden Gnome & The Atlanta Falcons Are Blubbering, Talentless Babies
By David Bellard
Look at this guy. Let’s just focus on that first.
Bad Tie.
Garden Gnome.
Fanatical Zealot.
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...14
Dec
2007
(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...14
Dec
2007
For Sake of Brevity, Mitchell Report Lists Those Who Didn’t Cheat
By Nick Maloney
In an unexpected turn, the reason the Mitchell Report has taken so long to come together was that former Senator George Mitchell was trying to find names in Major League Baseball not connected to steroid use.