Lame Sports

Mercury Objects to the Phrase ‘Mercurial Receiver’

By Rusty Weiss

We’ve heard the phrase several times before, probably without much thought. It is attached to some of the more controversial receivers in the NFL today: Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, and Chad Johnson, to name a few.

But with the success of these receivers taking off this season, especially the ascension of the number 81’s in the league, the phrase has garnered the attention of one person in particular … and he’s not too happy about it.

Mercury, part time Roman God of trade, profit, and commerce, part time messenger, has made his distaste of the terminology quite public of late.

“Seriously,” he said. “How many times do you hear reporters say ‘Terrell Owens, the talented BUT mercurial receiver of the Cowboys’ or ‘Randy Moss, the disgruntled, mercurial receiver’? What’s up with the negative connotation?”

Mercury continued, “If anything, they should be calling them mercurial because they’re fleet of foot. I mean, have I really been wearing these stupid winged shoes over the last several centuries for nothing? They freaking hurt.”

“Jordan gets a swoosh on his footwear, and I have little wings,” he grumbled.

Indeed it does seem that every time one of these controversial receivers does something that gives them a black eye with the public, the adjective seems to be attached.

Mercury continued his rant, “It was really cool when the Romans named a planet after me. Hell, my wings were all aflutter when they named an element after me. But mercurial? Where does that come from? Sometimes I just wish my father would smite these people.”

Zeus, father of Mercury, explained his son’s dismay in simple terms.

“He’s always been mercurial,” said Zeus.

Mercurial is defined as one who is volatile, fickle, flighty or erratic. Hardly a positive description, and it is a bit understandable why the Roman deity is so upset.

“Tell me about it,” said Mercury. “Don’t even get me started on mercury poisoning either.”

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