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Bird, McHale and Parish to Unretire and Play for Boston

By Freddy Cohen

Ending days of rumor and speculation, the original Celtics “Big 3” are headed back to Boston to once again play for the Celtics. Returning to the franchise that they led to 3 NBA Championships during the 1980’s, Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parish believe that they can help the current Celtics return to prominence this season.

Larry Bird, who as of 2 days ago was President of the Indiana Pacers, utilized an out in his Pacers contract. It stated that “Should the Boston Celtics ever again become watchable and/or competitive, Mr. Bird reserves the right to return to the Celtics as a player”.

“We felt the time was right for a comeback”, Parish was quoted from his home. “We have been talking about this for years, but the team has been dreadful so what was the point? It’s all about winning rings for us, and the getting is good finally so let’s play some ball. Plus, we are still pissed that Magic and Kareem have more rings than us. We need to fix that”.

Kevin McHale it has been learned from Celtics sources has secretly been employed by the Celtics for the past 7 years with the title “Executive Double Agent 32”. Working also as the General Manager for the Minnesota Timberwolves until 2 days ago, this double position within the NBA was against league rules, but McHale doesn’t care and is willing to pay any sort of fines that are set by the NBA. “Look, we (Boston) needed K.G. (Kevin Garnett)”, McHale explained. “How else were we supposed to get him from Minnesota? Why else do you think Minnesota would accept a trade for the entire roster of Boston slack-jaws for a first-ballot hall-of-famer?” McHale smiled and decried, “I look forward to playing alongside K.G. and bringing the Celtics back to glory”.

There has been no shortage of nicknames being bandied about since the news of the trio’s return to Beantown. Among the names being considered, “The Big 3 and 3 old carpetbaggers”, “Geritol Gang” and “PGAPMB”.

There is some controversy as Bird, McHale and Parish insist on wearing their original “short-shorts” from their 1980’s days. Although they may look out of fashion compared to the longer-length shorts worn by today’s NBA, Kevin Garnett does not mind. Garnett, in an impromptu press conference stated, “Those cats can wear whatever they want. In fact, we may all wear the short-shorts if it means it makes us a better ball club”.

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