Lame Sports

Beijing Olympics Recalled

By Rusty Weiss

China – the source of recalled products from tainted toothpaste to toys with dangerous levels of lead – has been dealt yet another blow to its credibility. In light of a slew of recent scares, and a very wary public, the Beijing Olympic organizing committee (BOCOG) has decided to simply recall the 2008 Summer Olympics all-together.

In what has been a turbulent year for Chinese products, the country has seen the following recalls just to name a few:

• Toothpaste contaminated with the poisonous chemical, diethylene glycol (DEG), a chemical used in antifreeze
• Millions of toys containing lead paint
• Tainted pet food that killed at least 16 cats and dogs
• Most recently, Aqua Dots were found to contain a chemical that converts into a powerful date rape drug (GHB) when ingested

“We very clearly take the concerns of our citizens, as well as the concerns of international visitors very seriously,” BOCOG said in a statement posted on its website.

Rong Jun, head of the BOCOG ticketing office surmised, “It’s not as if anyone was buying tickets anyway. The Olympics haven’t been relevant since the contestants raced on Chariots.”

Other officials admitted that the Games would not translate well to television anyhow, because air pollution would make it difficult to identify the athletes.

News of the recall hit the streets with bewilderment. A local Beijing mechanic took a moment to respond “The Olympics are supposed to be a big event. How could such a thing happen?” He then went back to refilling a radiator fluid reservoir with a tube of DentaKleen.

Beijing anticipates placing another bid for the Olympics in the year 2028. The hope is that by then, most sports fans will be unable to recall the dangers that Chinese products pose, by virtue of a childhood filled with lead-based toys.

When asked for comment, International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge said, “We have to respect the decision of Chinese officials to recall the Games.”

Rogge, using a toothpick to clear out little gray flecks from between his teeth ended with “We do not feel in any way that this is related to other product recalls during the year.”

In related news, Sebastian Janikowski of the Oakland Raiders was allegedly being investigated after federal agents located a cache of over 120 boxes of Aqua Dots. The NFL kicker was arrested seven years ago in Tallahassee, Florida, on suspicion of felony possession of GHB, but was acquitted the following year.

Janikowski, who was sporting a t-shirt which read ‘Now You’ve Got It – Aqua Dot It,’ refused to comment.

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